Singleness...Some Misconceptions

This is a topic I've touched on while writing this blog, but it isn't one I've delved into yet. After reading Mara Kofoed's blog...the blog I posted about yesterday, I felt like it was time to give this post some real thought, and write, write, write about what it is to be single well into my thirties, especially in the LDS world.

My first post about singleness is about misconceptions, in particular misconceptions about single women in the LDS church.

I heard this once, from a very nice, but very misinformed, young man in my singles ward. There we were at a ward Thanksgiving dinner, and he turns to me, pointing out the women in the room, and said, "These women care more about their careers than they do about marriage." WHAT? Um, incorrect. Maybe...and I say MAYBE very loudly and with much emphasis...one or two women in that room cared more about their career aspirations than about getting married. So I corrected him. And there are several things I have to say about assumptions that others make (often those others are married, but sometimes not) about single women. Of course, this is what I have to say about it. However, keep in mind that I'm approaching my thirty-sixth birthday. I've attended singles wards for more than thirteen years, and I have many, many single girl friends. So while it is my opinion, it is much more. My feelings reflect those of many other women I know.

1. Our careers and/or education come first.

I am a lawyer. I attended law school at Seton Hall in Newark, New Jersey. I passed the Texas Bar and was admitted as an attorney in the state of Texas in November of 2010. Before that, I was an English teacher. I taught for six years, and I loved it. I was a good teacher, and I enjoyed working with teens. I'm proud of my professional accomplishments, and I proud of my educational accomplishments.

However, all of these things come in second...and, as I have often said, a poor second to marriage and motherhood. This is how my life went. My singleness can be chalked up to a myriad of things. Some of those things are of my own making. Some of them are just the circumstances of the time we live in. Just because I chose to make my life better and more fulfilling by getting and education or a professional job doesn't mean that those were my priorities over marriage. I would gladly give up some of these goals for marriage and children. Most women I know feel this way.

But women aren't just meant to be wives and mothers. We are complete and whole and we have aspirations for our lives that include education, jobs, and other goals. ALL of the wives and mothers I know have at least some of the following: degrees, jobs, businesses, hobbies, and goals. This is healthy. It does not mean that marriage and family isn't a first priority. It just means that life has several facets for both men and women, and we are fulfilled in many different ways.

2. We have "given up" on marriage.

Again, NOT true. Beyond the fact that saying something like that is hurtful, it simply is false.

Here's the thing, folks. Humans are driven to companionship. It's not just a religious construct, although I think marriage, and in my case temple marriage, brings a sanctity to that companionship. And I do not deny the importance of that sanctity. But the idea that anyone over the "ripe old age" of thirty has given up on marriage is ludicrous. You don't give up on it. Proof is in the pudding...people divorce or lose spouses to death in their forties, fifties, sixties, seventies...and they remarry. What does that tell you??? Most humans want to be with a partner.

So, no, I haven't given up on marriage. And by the way, I stand in good company. Sheri Dew said, in a talk she gave a few years ago, that she had not given up on marriage, either, and she's fifty-eight years old. I'm telling you, the single women you know have not given up on marriage. It's like saying I'm going to give up drinking water and eating food because, obviously, I cannot. They are instinctual. The desire for love and companionship is, too. So you don't just turn that off and give up.

3. We are picky.

This is a difficult and touchy subject. I am not picky. However, I also want to fall in love, and I want to find someone to respect that has the same values and interests I have. I'm not expecting perfect. I'm not perfect. And I don't have a "type." I have been attracted to a myriad of men. I've dated blondes, brunettes, red heads. I've dated tall, short, thin, chubby. I've dated different races. I've dated men who were younger and who were older. I've even dated men who weren't LDS.

Please know that this is what we hear when someone tells us we are being too picky: "Stop being so picky. You're getting old and you're losing your attractions, so you just have to take whatever comes along. Never mind that I got to marry someone when I was in my twenties that I absolutely love and adore. I deserve to have happiness. You deserve to settle."

Now you may not have thought about what we hear when that is said to us. It may not have occurred to you that this makes us feel like we are second-class citizens...people who don't deserve to be happy. But please recognize how this sounds to us when we hear it. We single ladies LONG to have joy and love and we want to experience the rush of endorphins that come when you first start crushing on someone. We want to be excited about the people we date and eventually marry. I'm not suggesting that love is a little crush or that the rush of endorphins you feel when you're first dating someone you're really attracted to continues on forever. Of course it doesn't. And of course that is not why you marry someone.

I am suggesting that we deserve the same joy that you experienced when you met your husband or wife. Maybe that didn't happen right away when you met your spouse. But chances are if you're married, you did have the opportunity to feel all the joy and excitement of meeting someone really wonderful. Someone who made you laugh. Someone you couldn't wait to talk to. Someone you wanted to be with!!! I just want the same. That does not make me any more picky than it makes you.

4. We are somehow "choosing" to be single.

This makes me laugh. I would never have chosen this. I think that I have my own responsibility to get out and meet people so that I can date, and I admit that at times I have not given it my all. And at times I have flat out hid from the prospect. But that isn't because I was making a choice to be single. I was depressed and frustrated with dating and the male/female singles scene. My choices have had an impact on my dating life, but I didn't ever EVER EVER think to myself that I wasn't going out as a conscious decision to remain single. NEVER did that cross my mind.

Besides, my choice, at times, to stay home, is not the reason for my singleness, anyway. Factor, perhaps. The sole reason, absolutely not. I know too many people who were doing little, if anything, to meet someone only to go out randomly to one activity and meet the love of their life. There are so many, many factors when it comes to love and dating and eventually marriage. I am working really hard on accepting my responsibility to get out of my comfort zone and meet people. I cannot make people ask me on dates, nor would I want to. I can be friendly, outgoing and kind. I can take good care of myself. I can laugh and smile and be a good friend. I can be myself, comfortable with who I am single or not. Please understand, though, that it isn't a choice to be single. It is so much more complicated than that.

5. We don't want to be set up on dates.

I do. Now here I am speaking entirely for me, although I do know many women who also like the idea of being set up by friends and family. Ask before you get any ideas, though. I do want to go out! I do want to date. Have I said that enough? I am open to almost all options. I've tried the online scene. It wasn't for me. I go to singles wards when I can. I continue to think that is an option. My friends and family know people. And I am happy to meet the people they know for lunch or dinner or hot chocolate or ice cream. I cannot say this enough: I do want to go out!

6. We are automatically assessing marriage potential the moment we get asked out.

I'll be honest. Women think about marriage. We do. But just because we go on a date, that does not mean we are thinking about the man as marriage potential. In fact, as I've gotten older, I think less about marriage and more about just having a good time or meeting a new friend. All the dates I've been on in the past few years were just that. I met the guy, we ate out, went to a movie, the opera, walked, talked, etc. The normal date stuff. But I didn't sit and assess marriage potential at all. I was just out to meet someone and see what happened next.

7. We think men are scum.

Oh how untrue, and dangerously so, this is. I've met my share of men that weren't good for me. I emphasize that these men weren't good for me, but they were a good match for someone else. And of course, I've met some that weren't kind or honest with me. Those boys were probably not good for anyone, at least at that time. HOWEVER...I do not believe that they represent the majority of the male population. I can name countless guys that I've dated whom I respect. These are men who treated me well. These are men who made me laugh. Many of them are now married and are good fathers and good husbands.

I have five brothers, two grandfathers, uncles, cousins and, most importantly, a loving and good father that I have so much respect for. These men are good husbands and fathers...some of the best that I know. I have many married friends whose husbands set an example for me that help me believe in the goodness of men in the world. They give me lots of reasons to believe that there are still many many good men out there.

So no, I do not believe that men are scum. I actually have quite a fondness for the male population. And I believe I will find a nice man to marry and have a family with.

These are some of the misconceptions I've encountered. I'm sure my single friends have encountered others. I wanted to share my own experiences because often what I have encountered is far from the truth. And often it has been unkind. I get asked "Why aren't you married?" often enough. Sometimes people mean well. They are shocked that I'm not married. I'm relatively normal, smart, pretty, funny, etc. I'm a good conversationalist, and I love people. I'm a real people person.

However, sometimes what people say is not meant in a spirit of kindness. Rather the intention is judgmental and nosy and full of blame. No one would think to blame an infertile couple for their lack of children. No one would think to ask a widow or widower what was wrong with them that they lost their spouse. And yet day after day, single people are judged for being single. I say all this because it is hurtful to hear those comments when we are just doing our best. Moreover, such comments are only a reminder of a painful reality of our day to day lives.

All of us can be kinder, me included. I share this in hopes that others will recognize ways they can be more aware of the feelings of the single people in their lives.