One more round of the single gal posts. And then something different, I promise. But I can't say how good it has felt to vent and to be completely honest about what it is like to be single.
I think lots of people don't quite know what to do with that one single friend of theirs. They want to be a good friend, of course, but they don't want to say something offensive or hurtful. So here are a few questions that I've answered in the past. Again, as always, these are my opinions.
1. Do you want to talk about it?
Sometimes yes and sometimes no. But I will tell you if I do or I don't. Mostly, I am pretty open about discussing how I feel about being single. And it does help when people ask me. It's so much kinder than assuming those dangerous things...that I'm too picky or that I've given up. The truth for all people is that we want to talk about our pain, and we want to talk about our triumphs. A good friend goes out of his or her way to truly ask someone about the things they are struggling with, just as a good friend celebrates with you when you succeed.
The other day I ran into a friend who has had cancer for about five years now. She's been through all sorts of treatments. She's strong and certainly a survivor. She looked really great, and she was smiling and cheerful and she hugged me when she saw me. But I asked her about her health because I wanted her to know two things: a. I am aware of her condition and I care about it and b. I want to listen and hear about her feelings because I know she's been given a very difficult trial. This is because I genuinely care about her. I know when people genuinely care about me and really want to listen. It feels good to know people who love you and want to listen and be supportive.
2. Do you want to hang out with married people?
I've learned that friendship is based on so much more than just being married or single. As a member of the LDS church, I find that many married people are not sure what to do with the single people they know, and so I've heard many of my single friends tell stories about feeling shunned by the married folks at church. This seems strange to me, but my sister-in-law once said that she worried that single people wouldn't want to hear all the kid talk that tends to go on in married circles. Fair enough. But I then pointed out to her that friendships are based on more than just whether you are married and whether you have children. Most friendships develop because of common interests and hobbies.
You see, I've lived in all types of circles. When I worked at Annandale High School, my closest friends at work were very different from me. None of them were LDS. One of them was agnostic. One of them was Catholic. Two of them were Methodist. Three of them were married. Some were right around my age, but some were much older. One of them was gay. In law school, my closest friends and study partners were all married. One even had children. One was an agnostic Jew. You get the idea. I learned that making friends can be so much more than being from the same faith, or being the same age, or having the same world view, even. If I were narrow minded about making friends based on marital status, or religion, or age, I would have been missing out on rich, life affirming relationships with very good people.
Besides, when married people get together with friends, are all of their conversations about children? I would venture to say no. We all like to talk about lots of different things. And besides, I taught teenagers. I actually have some pretty good insights into teenagers and their behavior. I might even have some advice for you about your teenager. I did work closely with hundreds of them over the six years that I taught. I know I'm not a mom, but I'm not clueless when it comes to children. I like them, and I am not bored by mommy talk.
3. Do you want dating advice?
Yes. If you have something constructive and helpful to say, tell me. Please do not try to veil criticism as advice, however. I know the difference. Hearing things like, "Well, if you changed your hair, clothing, make-up, went on a diet...." All these things are criticisms. They are not constructive. Actually those sorts of criticisms can be destructive to self-esteem, which can be a problem among single folks. I know I tend to be more self-conscious about my flaws because I worry that they may be getting in the way of getting into a relationship, be that true or not.
And anyway, all sorts of people of all sorts of shapes, sizes and colors get married. Several friends have said to me, "I just don't get it. You're so pretty and nice. Why don't you date?" I love that...it helps remind me that I am normal. However, my response is always the same. "Strange people get married. As do tall and short and fat and skinny and cute and unattractive people." So, telling me you don't like my hair isn't going to help me because I can guarantee you that there will be someone, some guy out there, who will like my hair.
Constructive advice includes where to meet people or how to talk to the opposite sex if you happen to be shy. Perhaps you really liked it when your then future spouse had the courage to smile at you from across the room or how they laughed at your jokes and touched your arm. In other words, advice on how to interact with others is helpful.
But the best route isn't advice at all. Rather, it is encouragement. Things like, "You know how to talk to people and make them feel comfortable." Or, "You have such a nice smile. People are drawn to your smile." I think compliments go along way to boost courage and self-esteem.
I'll end this post with such an example of encouragement. I grew up in a small farming community near Spanish Fork, Utah, and that is where I am living now. While at church a few weeks ago, I ran into an old friend who happened to be visiting family. He said some very kind things to me. First, he assured me that although some may find it strange that I am thirty-something and single, I am normal and that there is nothing wrong with me. In fact, in most circles my singleness is no big deal. He then told me that I have so much to offer and that I do not need to settle for less than what I deserve.
You have no idea what his kind words did for me. I think I stood a little taller and smiled a little broader that day because I felt good about myself. After all, that is probably just what we all want...kind words of encouragement.
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