A Day in the Life...

Of a Single Girl.

Most days do normal things like laundry and working out and eating dinner. Surprised? But...

The truth is that I doubt a day goes by that I am not, in some fashion, aware of my single state. I wish I could say otherwise. But that is the truth. I cannot speak for my friends who are also single, as I don't know what they think daily about being single. All I know is how it is for me. And it is hard not to be aware of being single in a world where most adults are married or at least with someone.

Sigh, BUT, that doesn't mean that I'm sad every day or even most days. Most days I wake up with things to do, and I do them. When I had a job, I had work to fill my hours up, and like most people, I focused on that for the majority of the day. When I was in school, I thought about reading, tests, outlines, studying, writing and more studying and reading. And in law school, I rarely had time to focus on much more than that, at least during the week. Then there are all the little chores and errands, you know. Groceries, laundry, cleaning, cooking, sorting through bills, exercising...just the usual stuff that has to be done to live. There are friends and family to call or email. A little t.v. or a book or two. Lunch with colleagues and maybe a date here and a date there.

In other words, my life is normal. My life is like anyone's life, really.

Oh, except then there are the bad days. It's hard to describe to someone who hasn't ever felt that sort of empty feeling take hold. Moments where it all washes over me, what loneliness it is to go through the world without a partner to help me shoulder the burden. It's a weight crushing my chest and sucking the breath from my lungs and pushing against my heart so hard that I worry it might burst. It's not knowing when, if ever in this life, it will end.

That may seem dramatic to you. Perhaps it is, but perhaps, on second thought, it is not. Imagine spending fourteen years without a serious relationship. Imagine dating some here, and some there, but never to a point where it goes somewhere even beyond a month or two. Imagine averaging two to three dates a year for the past four or five years. You get the idea.

And I feel I must explain something, here. It isn't that I despair. I have despaired in the past, and I can be honest about that. I've learned not to allow that feeling of despair, which is really just self-pity in disguise, take hold of me. It's taken me a lot of time to learn that pity is not natural, necessarily, although people will tell you it is. No, pity is the enemy, and I avoid it at all costs.

Mostly, I'm filled with immense gratitude for so many good things that have come my way. My life is full of blessings. And anyway, a wise man counseled recently to beware the "golden ticket." You know, waiting for that perfect person, house, job, car, dress. You wait and wait and wait and you refuse to be happy until you get that golden ticket item. Only that item will bring you fulfillment.

The truth is, I know that a husband can't make me happy. I know that having children can't make me happy. I am in control of my happiness, and it is certainly most unwise to place all responsibility for my joy on someone or something that is out of my control. In fact, it is probably unfair to do so, especially when that includes placing your future happiness in the hands of another person. The moment they do anything to disappoint you, you will be upset. We humans, we are full of lots of good things, but we are also prone to making mistakes. I've made my fair share of them, and I've let people down, so I would know how ill advised it is to let someone else be the keeper of your joy.

No, I'm well aware that my happiness cannot be dependent upon finding a boyfriend and getting married.

But that does not change what loneliness feels like, either, now does it? And that is what sucks the breath from my lungs and sits down upon my heart and vexes me to no end. And unless you have experienced a sort of loneliness that lingers on over years, it is difficult to explain how you can be very happy in your life and yet have days where you cry. A lot. The only thing I know to compare it to is loss. You feel a sense of ongoing loss, and I think most of us can relate to what that feels like.