Is It Bad...???

I've debated this topic in my mind so much of late. And it's a hard thing for a girl to admit - perhaps in some circles, one might consider it shameful. So I'm just going to jump in.

I don't know some days if I want children anymore.

There. I said it. I remember times in my life when I thought my biological clock was ticking. Once in undergrad...I was all of twenty or maybe twenty-one. And who was I kidding? I had no idea if I wanted children then. I just knew that everyone I knew said babies were the best. And I still sort of think that about babies. They are the best. Cute and pudgy and sweet smelling. I love babies. But I did not have any sort of clock ticking in any part of my body when I was twenty. Period.

And then my biological clock absolutely did kick in and with a vengeance. Or at least, I think that's what it was. I'm not sure I'm totally convinced that there is such a thing (more on that in a moment). Anyway, every time I saw a baby (on t.v., on movies, on the sidewalk being pushed about in some cute sparkly stroller, on the hips of every single sister-in-law), well, I was close to two things: one,tears (well maybe not so much close to tears as actually experiencing them in real life) and two, stealing one for myself. Really. I can see the headline now: Second year law student steals brother's brand new baby over Turkey Day break. Because that was the year I fully wanted a baby. And I was ready to steal my nephew Emmett. He was less than a week old when I came to TXas for Thanksgiving break. I think I held him and held him and held him some more. He was sweet and smelled soooooooooooo deeeee to the licious!

But maybe something happens with time. That craving that I felt for a few years has subsided now. I play with Julia (who isn't a baby anymore, really, but a toddler), and I love it. I love her cute, funny expressions. I love it when she yells, "By yoooooooooooooouuuuuu!" when she wants you to sit down next to her at the table. I love seeing her run around and laugh. I love her hugs and her kisses and her smile and everything about her.

But I think about the reality of children, and it scares me. Everyone says it is different when they are your own children. But kids come with price tags, and I'm not talking about the monetary kind (although that is an obvious one). No, I mean more the emotional price tag of time and effort and worry. I write that down, and I feel like I must be a selfish person. But the biological clock is NOT ticking in any way, shape or form in these parts.

What I want to know, then, is will it ever kick back on some day? Or has it died a permanent death? My brain and even a part of my heart says I want to want to have children. But another part of me says I do not. Is the whole biological clock thing even real? Or is it something we've invented in our heads?

Because when one looks at an adorable baby, it's hard not to want yourself one of those. But even that is starting to fade. And so I just wonder.