There are so very very many things I do not have these days. Case in point? I put my life in fifteen boxes and sent them to Utah, and that is the extent of it. Admittedly there are a few things left in TXas. But still, you have to admire a girl who does not have any more than fifteen boxes worth of necessaries. It's rather impressive, if I do say so myself.
But there is something a bit more pressing down on my mind lately. No...it is not the joblessness or carlessness or boyfriendlessness that I speak of, although they do weigh me down, they do...they do. Sigh.
It is rather an issue of confidence. I am lacking in confidence.
Now who goes and says that out loud? Who admits that? I guess I do? Well, there you go. Even my ability to say I have no confidence lacks confidence, thus proving my point.
Where do I get this confidence is what I am needing to know right now. I've had it in the past. Trust me, I have. At turns I've felt smart, pretty, skinny, happy, funny, joyful and sometimes on really glorious days, I've felt all of the above all at once. Oh those are the good days.
Tonight I had a horrible, no good, rotten thought. A thought I have NEVER in all my days EVER had. I promise. I thought this...I am a loser. Seriously, people. I have been having a huge crisis of confidence all year long, but I haven't once thought that of myself. It pains me even to write it. I absolutely hate that I thought that of myself.
And to anyone out there who has ever ever felt that way or thought that of him or herself, I am so sorry. It is a horrid way to feel. So anyway, I know I've written about this loss of confidence before now, but this is sort of a bigger deal to me. I never want to think that of myself again. It's really ugly. It's completely false. And I refuse to believe it. But really....I mean really REALLY really...where did my confidence go?
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