I am not a boy. I like them. I like them a lot.
But it has become, over my many years of singleness, very apparent that, despite my liking of those boys, the following two things are true: one, I do not get them, and two, they sort of scare the hell out of me.
I'm just being honest.
So why do I not get them? I have five brothers. I've had numerous male friends, close male friends at that. I've even had a few boyfriends for short periods...ever so short periods...of my life. And, AND, I've had more than my fair share of first dates. So what gives? Why are they such a big mystery to me? Why, for example, do men say at the end of every date, "We'll have to do this again. I'll call you."? When, in fact, they have no such intention at all? Do these men think it is polite to say something that is not true? To flat out lie to you instead of just saying, "Thank you for going out with me."??? Why can you completely turn off your emotions and walk away from a relationship with a person you said you loved? Did you love her? Or did you just want to say that because it sounded nice at the time? I really and truly do NOT get it. I just don't understand men.
And why are they scary? I think this is more about me than them. I'm afraid that I could be the last female on the planet and that I still wouldn't get a date on Friday night. I really feel like if I am in a room where single men and women are mingling that I am the last person on earth that a guy would want to talk to. Maybe it is just that I feel intimidated by other women and that men, well, men know how to hurt you. I've been down that road. So maybe the panic that comes over me when I am near single men has much more to do with my own insecurities than it does about men actually being scary.
I suppose I'm just saying all this because tonight I went to watch my nephew in his first flag football game. He's in a league. Isn't that so cute? It is. It is soooo cute to watch those little guys run around and try to catch footballs and make touchdowns. I love it.
Anyway, so there I was, watching the game and my sister-in-law is pointing out the kids on the teams who are in my nephew's class at school. And they are all the children of people with whom I attended high school. Yes, my former classmates have children that are eight years old. Actually, some of my former classmates have teenagers. It's just hard not to wonder where my path became so wildly divergent from the people around me, but it did become divergent...wildly, radically, completely. And that turned my thoughts to dating and how little of that I ever do.
And of course, there was going to the single's ward last Sunday. Something that I feel strongly about doing. And yet, there are my insecurities all coming into play. I mostly wrote this as an exercise in being completely and entirely honest with myself. And maybe, just maybe, these are things I have to get over. One, maybe I will never understand the way the male mind works, but that doesn't preclude me from dating. And two, the much harder part, is to start believing that I have more than enough to offer someone of the opposite sex. Enough, in fact, to believe that there are a few men who would ask me out even if we were in a sea of single women.
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