Am I Brave?

Am I? I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

And it would seem that I've done some brave things in my life. I've talked about those things before though. And I don't feel like writing a laundry list of items that prove I've got chutzpah.

What I am really thinking about is this move home to Utah. Either it was an act of complete cowardice or it was the bravest thing I've done.

On the one hand, coming home should be a safe thing to do, right? I mean, especially when you are coming home, home. As in where I was raised in my parent's house. That kind of coming home. What says comfort, support, love...like the home you grew up in? And here I am sitting in that home, in my childhood bedroom.

But strangely it does not feel safe. It feels anything but safe. That is because:

1. I am thirty-five. This should actually count for the next five entries. I mean, it is sort of strange for a grown up to come home to Mom and Dad's. Right? So I guess I just feel weird about living with my parents.

2. I still have no job. This is just plain horrid. I want to work. It makes me feel like...oh I am going to say it...a loser. And I hate that. But this no job thing has really worked over my self-esteem.

3. I thought I would never live in Utah. It makes me feel really lost, actually. I just thought I had found a home. I guess when things don't go the way you expect them to, you feel disoriented about it.

So I feel like this weird, lost, disoriented loser. Great. Not to mention the fact that I'm having a fat day crisis. Lovely. I don't mean for this to be a downer, but I am wondering if the fact that I came here anyway, in spite of all these feelings about my life right now and in spite of the way I feel about living here, makes me super duper brave. You know? Like facing down the parade of horribles - everything you didn't want to happen in life - and then saying, "Whatever. I'm going to have to make the best of it."

So the brave part comes in when I actually feel ready to say that. I am ready to say that. So whatever thirty-five. Whatever no job, living with my parents, no car, living in Utah. Whatever! I am going to make the best of it. Mostly because I AM brave!