Five Random Things...Friday

Well, at least I am remembering, right? Even if it isn't on Thursday. So here we go...five random things.

1. I found out that my Grandma Andrus loved baseball. I feel like my Grandma Andrus was my kindred spirit...I mean, we had a lot in common and I sometimes feel like I'm an outcast in my family but when I think about her, I feel like I know where I came from. So when I found out she loved baseball, well, it just all makes sense. One more thing she and I had in common. I love baseball...and I LOVE my Grandma Andrus!!!

2. BYU won and it was a seriously awesome game. I cheered pretty hard when Nelson, the second string quarterback, came in and won the game for them. He threw a pass in the last eleven seconds. A Utah State player tipped the ball, but a BYU player caught it in the end zone anyway. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? Eleven seconds left on the clock and we take the game...27-24. It was stupendous.

3. October Fest burger at Red Robin = disappointing. I was hoping for some yummy deliciousness. Not so much. Unless you really love horseradish sauce, I don't think it's the burger for you.

4. Can't wait for conference tomorrow. I really need this.

5. I'm glad that in the midst of having a lot of bad days, doubts, rough times, fears and so forth that we have good days, too. Today was a good day. Cheesecake Factory for my mom's birthday with my mom, sister and sister-in-law. The mall with my nephew to find a present for my mom. Hanging out with my nieces and nephews. A win from the Cougars. Yes, today was a good day.

Tomorrow will be good, too, Conference, baby!

I Don't Have...

There are so very very many things I do not have these days. Case in point? I put my life in fifteen boxes and sent them to Utah, and that is the extent of it. Admittedly there are a few things left in TXas. But still, you have to admire a girl who does not have any more than fifteen boxes worth of necessaries. It's rather impressive, if I do say so myself.

But there is something a bit more pressing down on my mind lately. No...it is not the joblessness or carlessness or boyfriendlessness that I speak of, although they do weigh me down, they do...they do. Sigh.

It is rather an issue of confidence. I am lacking in confidence.

Now who goes and says that out loud? Who admits that? I guess I do? Well, there you go. Even my ability to say I have no confidence lacks confidence, thus proving my point.

Where do I get this confidence is what I am needing to know right now. I've had it in the past. Trust me, I have. At turns I've felt smart, pretty, skinny, happy, funny, joyful and sometimes on really glorious days, I've felt all of the above all at once. Oh those are the good days.

Tonight I had a horrible, no good, rotten thought. A thought I have NEVER in all my days EVER had. I promise. I thought this...I am a loser. Seriously, people. I have been having a huge crisis of confidence all year long, but I haven't once thought that of myself. It pains me even to write it. I absolutely hate that I thought that of myself.

And to anyone out there who has ever ever felt that way or thought that of him or herself, I am so sorry. It is a horrid way to feel. So anyway, I know I've written about this loss of confidence before now, but this is sort of a bigger deal to me. I never want to think that of myself again. It's really ugly. It's completely false. And I refuse to believe it. But really....I mean really REALLY really...where did my confidence go?

Gearing Up - A Glimpse Into My Psyche...

When I make a decision that I need to change something, I usually require a period of gearing myself up. Especially when it comes to changing eating habits. I'm a sugar junkie. So in order to convince myself that I need to get off the sauce, as it were, I have to psych myself up for it. I have to convince myself that it is for the best.

But I'm not just talking about psyching myself up for some changes in my eating habits. It's more than that. It isn't just a list of things I think I can do better, either. For example, I want to change my sleeping habits, too. But how many times have I made long laundry lists of things I wanted to change, and I didn't do it.

It's more than that. I want to gear up for Living. You know? Living with a capital L. the kind where you wake up excited for the day. It's been a long time since I've felt excited for the day. and I think I can have that. I won't lie. I'm going to make a list. But not here. Here I am going to do a little gearing up. You might think I'm crazy.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this. I am doing this.

I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this. I am ready for this.

I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it. I am excited about it.

I don't know what it is about doing things like this. But mentally it helps me get ready for changes I know I need to make. And it makes me excited about the change that is coming. So there it is. Me gearing up for October 1. Because that is the day that change is a coming.

Moneyball

"It's hard not to be romantic about baseball." One of my favorite lines from the movie.

Alright, let us be honest. I went to see this movie because I really do love me some baseball. But then there is also Brad Pitt. So that may have played in a role in it.

But the truth is, I've never thought that Mr. Pitt was a great actor. Not that I think he's bad. He most certainly isn't bad. He's decent and sometimes really good. I love him in Ocean's 11 and in A River Runs Through It. In Moneyball? He was phenomenal.

Anyway, this is what I loved about the movie.

1. It's about baseball, and it really is hard not to be romantic about baseball. Anyone who has sat in a stadium...like Camden Yards for example...knows what I am talking about. People say baseball is slow. But I do not agree. There is a strategy and skill and patience in baseball. A grand slam, a perfectly pitched game, a fast dash and a long reach for that pop fly...oh these things are rare. But when they happen, they are beautiful. How I do love baseball. Slow nothing. It's all about anticipating that perfect hit or play.

2. This movie is about a group of underdogs, the boys who are not celebrities. They are the boys playing the game. And they go on this awesomely incredible winning streak. After taking it in the nose game after game, week after week, they win twenty in a row and set a record. This is real life baseball, people. Just like I said. It's that beautiful unexpected winning streak by the boys who are down and expected to fail that makes baseball what it is. How can you not love baseball? How can you not love a story about a group of guys who make everyone eat crow? Twenty wins? Are you kidding? Not even the Yankees were able to do that! Not even the freaking YANKEES!!!

3. Billy Beane. So being played by Brad Pitt didn't hurt him at all. But man, that Billy Beane. Now there is a guy with not only a love for baseball but a man willing to take a risk. I am risk averse by nature. And so I have admiration for someone who has the guts to do what he did. The guy looses some of the biggest players in baseball. He has no money to replace them. Players like that were not in his budget. And then he takes a risk on this guy who's a rookie in his own right. A guy who thought that the most important thing was getting on base. This twenty-something Yale grad. How can you not admire that kind of risk taking?

Anyway, it is one of the best movies I've seen in a very long time. It might be my favorite for the year...setting aside, of course HP because that's HP and all. It's a beautiful story...and yes, how can you not be romantic about baseball?

35 Things I Love

I've been thinking about the old adage..."You can catch a lot more flies with honey than you can with vinegar." I've been thinking about it because of the following story. So my uncle lives just up the hill from my parents. One of his grandchildren has a really really loud four-wheeler contraption that he runs around on. Up and down the road he goes, gunning the engine and waking the dead. No lie. Forget listening to the t.v. Forget any conversation you might be having. When that bad boy rolls by, it is LOUD. I cannot even explain how loud...it is ear splitting. Of course, this has caused some anger amongst the neighbors.

And how do you handle such a situation? Do you immediately call the cops because the vehicle is NOT street legal? Do you go up and give him a piece of your mind and risk his anger...and further cause him to annoy everyone with the bike just because he can? Do you try to talk sense into him and point out the ways in which it is wrong, unkind, selfish, etc.? I think...well, I HOPE, that the problem has been solved. Drama was involved.

But the thing is, we tend to jump to conclusions around here...worst case scenarios and all that. Have you ever noticed how drama, negativity, etc. tends to breed more of the same? I just think life is so much better when we see the good in others and try to bring that out in them. The optimist in me wants to believe that honey will get you much further than vinegar. The pessimist in me believes that there is no getting through to some people. I just want to see the world as an optimist. People are happier that way. It may not be my first and most natural response...being an optimist, that is. But I believe I can become one.

Quite frankly, all this negative energy is draining me. Bleeding me dry.

Now that is a long explanation that all boils down to a list, really. Today there was some serious negative energy up in here. I want it cleansed from my mind. And so here is my little plan for getting back to a more positive place. Just a simple list of things I love. I picked thirty-five...because well, I am thirty-five. Here we go, in no particular order.

1. I love going on walks.
2. I love the English country-side.
3. I love walks in the English country-side.
4. I love running into old friends.
5. I love going to a baseball game live...particularly at Orioles Stadium, Camden Yards.
6. I love the cherry blossoms in D.C.
7. I love accomplishing a goal.
8. I love the women in the ward I grew up in.
9. I love sitting out under the stars at night.
10. I love wandering around in an art gallery.
11. I love other people's stories of faith.
12. I love going somewhere new.
13. I love my parents.
14. I love a good book on a rainy day.
15. I love a good slice of pizza.
16. I love the smell of men's cologne.
17. I love a cute pair of heels.
18. I love BYU football on a cool fall night.
19. I love thunder and lightening storms.
20. I love a picnic in the canyon.
21. I love tinfoil dinners when picnicking in the canyon.
22. I love fall foliage.
23. I love New York City in a good snow storm.
24. I love Sephora.
25. I love Cafe Rio.
26. I love my siblings.
27. I love a pedicure.
28. I love my mom's cheesecake.
29. I love crisp, tart apples.
30. I love the feeling after a good, hard workout.
31. I love kissing.
32. I love making new friends.
33. I love Disneyland.
34. I love my nieces and nephews.
35. I love seeing all the good in the world and trying really hard to believe that there are more good things to come.

How Come...

Today when I went to church, I got to see an old friend. His name is Scott, and he's one of those people that I've known for a very long time...probably since before kindergarten because we grew up in the same ward. It was really nice to see him and find out what he's doing. He has cute kids, and is moving all over the country because he's in the military.

Anyway, he and I talked about me being single. He said a few things that really made me feel better. First, he said that he couldn't imagine what it would be like to be me...single at thirty-five in Utah. Not, mind you, because it is strange or that there is something wrong with me but because people make such a big deal about it. Then he assured me that I was not weird. Of course, anywhere outside of Utah where the predominant culture is not Mormon, my single status is nothing at all to worry about. He reminded me of that, too. And then he said something that was really comforting and kind. He said that I had nothing to worry about because I have so much going for me. In fact, I believe the phrase was "so much going for you." And so I shouldn't settle.

I can't tell you the relief I felt at hearing that. Of course my close friends and family tell me that. However, hearing it from a male who is a now distant friend made me feel good about myself again. I haven't felt good about me that way for a very long time. That actually makes me sad. But why is it that someone with distance and someone who is male can say that, and suddenly I believe I'm that I'm okay? I guess it is because we feel like close friends and family are obligated to tell us what we want to hear? He wasn't obligated to say any of that. And yet he did. He helped me to feel better about myself. For that, I say thank you, Scott. You have no idea how much good those kind words did me.

Seeking Persephone

Picked up this little gem when I went to Melanie Jacobson's book signing. Sarah Eden is another LDS author who was signing copies of her book as well. Read it. Loved it. Go out and read it yourself, people!

Seeking Persephone by Sarah M. Eden
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I hope Mrs. Eden won't take this the wrong way. I met her the other night at a book signing. She's lovely. However, I am a little upset at these new LDS authors. I feel a certain level of indignation because what do they think they are they doing with their sweet, chaste romances, anyway? I thought I was too sophisticated for such nonsense. I mean, of course I have no problem with the chaste romance part. It's just that these authors are changing my perception of the LDS literature I knew as a teen.

Which is, in two words, Jack Weyland. Not that I have anything against Mr. Weyland, mind you. I just think his literature is...manipulative and cheesy? Sorry. To be fair, I suppose a teenager could have been reading worse and I did enjoy the books. Still, I came to accept a certain product from LDS authors, and I thought I was sort of over it and not going to read them any more.

But the thing is, the more I think about this book, the more I sort of LOVE it! The book is a Regency style romance, complete with a marriage of convenience, a hero from "the ton" (which, by the way, I had to look up), and all the chasteness of an Austen novel. I've never read a Regency romance before, and I thought Regency referred to a publisher. Yep. Had no idea that it was a subgenre of romance. But you could fill the Empire State Building all the way full to the top with the things I don't know. Especially about the romance genre in literature.

I digress. Where was I? Oh yes, I loved it. And that was entirely unexpected. However, I think this kind of book by this kind of author is just what I've been looking for. The hero, one Duke of Kiedler, was such a reluctant groom. He married for his own selfish reasons, and his wife, Persephone, for her own selfless reasons. But as it turns out, they fall in love anyway. I hope that wasn't a spoiler, but I highly doubt anyone reading this book wouldn't know where the story was going. Why was I looking for a story like this? Because it was good, clean fun. The hero was flawed...VERY flawed and imperfect. But she falls for him anyway. I'm sort of tired of the overly perfect, super human male lead. The Duke is most certainly NOT in danger of being labeled perfect.

But the really really fun part was watching it unfold and waiting for them to figure out how they would communicate their increasing interest in each other. And of course, there is that anticipation. Now here is my philosophy about kissing. It is the anticipation that makes a kiss great...whether in literature or in life.

Think about it for a moment. You meet someone that you really connect with. He finally asks you on a date. You go on the date and realize you really like this guy and that, it seems, he likes you. So you go on a few more dates. The tension starts to build. You might brush up against his hand or his arm and a thrill goes through you. And when he hugs you at the door, you think maybe he'll kiss me. But he doesn't. So you sort of have that anxiety lingering inside as you wait. Is he into me? Does he want to kiss me? And then finally, FINALLY, he does it. And it is gooooood. Like knees going weak sort of good. You do, as it turns out, really like each other.

Oh how many times in the course of this story did I want to yell out "Just kiss her already!!!" And that is a good sign. I like that anticipation of the developing relationship. I like watching the affection unfold with a look here and a touch there. I like waiting and waiting and waiting for him to finally just hold her hand, or taker her in his arms or something! If an author can keep me holding on like that...and if I am not annoyed and just want it to be over...well, let's just say, I like. I like it a lot.

So I say thank you Mrs. Eden. Thank you for changing my perception of LDS authors. The story, much like you, is lovely.


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Oops...Five Random Things

So maybe I'm really running out of steam with this whole blog thing, you know? I suppose it is all about ebb and flow. But it is also about developing habits and talents. So I persist. I made a commitment to myself, and I'm going to follow through with it. Besides that, I'm well over half way there. Getting close to two-thirds of the way to the year mark. So the show must go on and all of that nonsense.

And it is Friday...but here are my five random things:

1. Um, today my blow dryer blew up and sparks flew. There was even a little fire. All I can say is this. Thank HEAVENS my hair did not catch on fire. My hair has caught on fire before. It is a long story. The short version? Whilst making a poster in the 10th grade for a project concerning Fahrenheit 451, I was burning the edges. It was a whole phoenix rising from the ashes theme, and I was quite clever and my teacher adored it. That's because I'm pretty smart like that. So in the midst of said burning of said edges, my hair fell from behind my shoulder and landed in the flames of the lighter. Yep, it was on fire. I freaked! I was screaming and clapping my hands over top of the fire...in MY HAIR!!! And then it was out two seconds later. But let me tell you, fire next to your face is scary. And, AND it does not smell good nor does it make for an attractive style to have singed hair. Just saying. So I'm really glad when my blow dryer was on fire that my hair didn't get to close to the flames. I like my hair the way it is, thankyouverymuch.

2. BYU won the game, y'all!!! Oh it was a good one, too. I love a close match up. It doesn't make up for losing to Utah. Nothing can make up for that. However, I will take a win. And BYU's offense needs to pull it together. The end.

3. I found a new fave from Sephora...i.e., a big girl's candy store. I seriously love that place. I love wandering around and looking at the products and all the sparkly, shiny things. It's so pretty! And have you tried Urban Decay's Eyeshadow Primer Potion? It will cement your eyeshadow and liner to your lid. No lie. The stuff works. It even works under your eye. So I can line the lower lid without worry that the crooks and crannies (i.e. "wrinkles" but whatever) will be filled in with black. Love it!

4. I've been preparing a lesson for Relief Society today. It's all about the scripture study. So I thought I would share my own testimony of scripture study. It really has saved me more than once. I can think of lots of times when I have just opened up the scriptures and there was the answer. But this past week, it has happened a lot. I especially feel grateful for the Old Testament lately. I've learned from Job, Rachel, Leah, Rebekah, Ruth, Joseph, Moses, Hannah, Sarah and Esther. I've learned about patience with God's timing, trusting in God when it all seems to be falling apart, doing what is right in the face of temptation, personal revelation, service, sacrifice, obedience and most of all, listening when the Lord speaks. I'm truly grateful for the scriptures.

5. I want some In and Out Burger. Do you ever get things like this stuck fast in your mind? I mean food wise, that is. I do. I start thinking about something yummy and delish and I want it. I can't stop thinking about it. So the other night I drove by In and Out and said to myself that no, I really did not need that yummy goodness. And then my nephew, Ty, had to go and treat himself to it last night. And this morning I saw the evidence...an In and Out cup on the counter. So that didn't help shake the craving. And now I must have it. Maybe tomorrow...mmmmmm. Hamburgers and fries and shakes.

It Is ON!

Today I went to a friend's book signing in Salt Lake. I wasn't sure I wanted to go because I'd have to actually put on make-up and do my hair...something I wasn't keen on doing today. And then I would have to drive up to Salt Lake...another something I wasn't keen on doing, either. However, I really wanted to see Melanie. I wanted to hear about her publishing experiences.

I'm glad I went. There were several LDS authors there, and I felt like, for the first time in a very long time, that this is something I can do. I already have people on the inside who can give me advice, read my work, encourage me, guide me. Of course, it was really nice to see Melanie and hear about how she is doing. That alone would have been worth the trip. It was very very nice to meet people and talk about writing and books. I love talking about such things.

I guess the whole thing just put the idea in reach. I've always stressed about the what-ifs of writing. The "what if" I never find an agent...the "what if" no one would publish me...the "what if" I never sell a book. Or the worst "what if" of all...what if I am no good at it.

But today, I saw women that I could relate to who write and publish books. And really, they aren't that much different from me. And I have a really great advantage. I have a broad array of life experience. Not that these other women don't. I don't know them well enough to say. I'm just saying that maybe all this experience can translate onto paper.

That...and Melanie said her first book took her a while, but now she can write a book in four months. FOUR MONTHS!!! And, and, oh my goodness, and that is only writing for two hours a day. WHAT? Really, I mean really, this is sooooooo doable! It's on, people. IT IS ON!

Oh Robert Frost

"Courage is the human virtue that counts most - courage to act on limited knowledge and insufficient evidence. That's all any of us have."
- Robert Frost

I love Mister Robert Frost. He's always been my favorite poet. Well, at least since high school. Eleventh grade English to be precise, when we read The Road Less Traveled and Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Day. You can always trust a poet to provide the words you need when you are fresh out of ways to express just what you feel.

But today is different. This isn't how I feel. In fact, I feel no courage at all. Instead I feel like curling up in a little ball and hiding for the rest of my life. I don't know who I am anymore. BUT...this is what I needed to hear. I feel like I have no knowledge and no proof of who or what I am supposed to be or what I should do with the rest of my life. I just know that I need to do something, anything.

I believe in God. I have limited knowledge of Him, and I have insufficient evidence to even prove He exists. And yet my belief persists. Perhaps that is the only courage I can exercise right now...to pray and hope that He hears me.

Not My Type

Oh Mrs. Melanie Bennett Jacobson. I'm glad we are friends and that I get to read your stories. Fantastic!

Not My Type: A Single Girl's Guide to Doing It All Wrong by Melanie Jacobson
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Loved it. Like I could not put it down, loved it. You know, sometimes I read a book, and I think, "Amazing, five stars for a beautifully told story." (A la The Book Thief.) Sometimes I think, "That was intense...five stars!" (A la The Passage.) And then there are books like this where I say to myself, "That was entertaining and funny and sweet. I loved it! Five stars!" Not My Type is quick and reads like a great chick flick...you know, like classic Clueless chick flick, my favorite chick flick of all time and truly one for the ages.

I can't put my finger on just one reason that this story really worked for me. Maybe it was Pepper Spicer, who felt real. Maybe it was Tanner Graham, who made me say YUM. Maybe it was that the story was about changing your life through gratitude, which made me reflect on my own life. Probably it was a combination of all of the above.

Here is the thing, folks. I'm not Pepper Spicer, but I can relate. I'm living at home. I'm strapped with some serious debt. And I get what it is like to feel totally afraid that your life is cycling out of control. So maybe the reason I loved this so much is that I could appreciate Pepper's dilemma and her level of fear. So I was inspired by her story to change her life and find what she wanted. Besides that, Pepper was a down-to-earth kind of girl. I like that kind. You know, the type of girl you can trust.

Then there is one Mr. Graham. I love this guy. Well, mostly I really loved that first kiss. There is this seriously well written first kiss scene that makes your heart flutter just remembering that one time you kissed that one guy who made your heart flip flop in your chest. You know the one. The one that lit you up inside when his hand accidentally brushed against yours. The one who, with a look and crook of his eyebrow could make you weak in the knees. In other words CHEM.I.STRY. Yep, that's it. Chemistry! Tanner is smart, funny and nice. He's not a push-over, but he's not overbearing, either. He was a perfect foil for Pepper. And did I mention the kiss? It was a really perfect kiss!

But the thing I loved most is the gratitude notes. Let us face the reality of life. Sometimes, reality feels bleak, and it puts you in a place where you stop believing that there is any reason to hope or to try. However, even when you have those sorts of days/weeks/months... there are always things to be grateful for. You see, Pepper has these really wonderful parents. I love her parents, especially her father, who is a marriage and family therapist. He patiently teaches his daughter that if she can see the good in her life, maybe she can start creating more good things in her life. Now at first, the gratitude notes she writes aren't so sincere. As Pepper starts take the notes seriously, she discovers that gratitude can help her find joy. You know what? I don't think you can ever have too much gratitude in life. Ever. The notes give the story an uplifting, hopeful sort of vibe. It was lovely.

Melanie is a thoughtful writer because she is aware who her audience is, and she writes for them without being preachy or self-righteous. In fact, the in your face "oh isn't it so fun that we are insiders to Mormon lingo and culture" is probably what turns me off in a lot of LDS literature. This is different...subtle references to prayer and faith or funny references to the Cullens. I feel like the faith/culture here is authentic, so it does not have to be showy. In other words, I could recommend this to my friends who aren't LDS, and they'd still enjoy it. So that's it. I'm seriously loving Melanie's stories. Once again, well done.

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FB Friends

So this is a thought. I was hanging out with some friends, and we were discussing people who had friended us on facebook. It goes something like this.

1. I get a friend request from a person I don't remember or recognize. Not the face. Not the name. Nothing is ringing a bell.
2. I see we have friends in common. Usually quite a few. Some of them included in the group that is now discussing FB friends.
3. I think to myself, I must know them. Right? I mean, we have all these friends in common, so I should be nice.
4. I accept their friend request. But I never check out their pages or profiles. I ignore their updates. I don't write anything on their walls.

So I usually only friend people I know and remember well. They are either people I am friends with currently...i.e., we keep in touch, we actually hang out, etc. Or they are people I used to do things with but time/circumstance drew us apart. And then, through the miracle that is FB, we reconnect. And once in a while we chat about something, send each other notes, or say hi. I'm really excited when I find these people or when they find me. Of course, there is a third category, family, which is obviously excluded from this discussion. Because family is family and you are friends with most members of your family for reasons we are not discussing here.

So then the question becomes this. Is it rude to ignore/deny friend requests from people who are somehow connected to you? I'm not talking about the random friend requests from total strangers in Australia. I mean, reject those, by all means. They are probably looking for ways to hack your account and spam all your friends. So no, I'm really talking about the ones who have fifty friends in common with you, but for the life of you, you just can't remember them.

OR...maybe it's just rude to friend people that you really never were friends with in the first place. It seems like such people really want numbers. Oh I have hundreds and sometimes even over a thousand friends. Hmmmm...really? I bet you really only care about a quarter of the friends you have on FB...especially when you are reaching numbers near one thousand.

The thing is, social media is going to be a permanent and very important part of our lives. It already is. But then I think FB runs the risk of two things. One, it becomes a means for marketing...so you have people reaching out just for business purposes. Or, worse, it becomes a meaningless way to connect with people because suddenly you're connected with all these people that you don't know at all. So you stop using it.

End conclusion? I think we are going to have to learn a level of social etiquette when it comes to social networking on these sites. If it is about friendship...which I think FB claims to be...then the proper etiquette is to friend those you are truly friends with. Just my position. Feel free to disagree.

Quantum Physics...or Why I Should Have Been a Scientist

So in one of my more ambitions moments, I decided I wanted to understand the idea of parallel universes and/or string theory. I purchases two books. I got about halfway through one. I understood about five percent of what I was reading.

Only five percent...or less. It was entirely over my head. And so I stopped. but it hasn't stopped me from thinking of the fascinating idea of parallel universes or the idea of time travel. Or the idea that time, as we understand it now, is merely a human construct of our limited understanding and that one day, the idea of time as we know it will be irrelevant.

So I'm probably thinking about this because I've been watching Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman. Have you watched this stuff? It's pretty fascinating what scientists are doing. Actually, it's more than fascinating. It's exciting. I never imagined I would say that. If someone had told me when I was fourteen that I would one day say that science is exciting, I would have scoffed.

But I do think it's extremely interesting and exciting. Think about it. The idea that wormholes are out there and could connect us to the stars or other galaxies. The idea that our brains might have a collective consciousness, that we can sense the future, that we can change the nature of aging by understanding the biological function of our bodies...the physics that control our cells and their functions.

All of it is amazing. And I should have been a scientist. I have a great idea for a book. But I really fear writing it. It deals with parallel universe theory. But I don't understand the physics and geometry enough to understand how the theory works. And I want to understand, or at least some basic fundamentals, before I write it. I should have paid attention in science. I should have fallen in love with physics.

That Was Ugly, but I Didn't Cry

So a few years ago, maybe in 2002, I was watching my beloved Blued Devils play in the NCAA finals. Oh how I love Duke basketball. Don't ask why. No I didn't go there. It's a long story. And it's late...too late for me to tell it. But anyway, I was watching them play India, I think. It doesn't matter. What matters is that they lost. And I threw a royal fit. I screamed at the t.v. Okay, big deal. Who hasn't done a little screaming at the t.v. during a sporting event. But the kicker? I cried. UUUUGGGGLYYY! Why would I do that? How had I let myself become that invested in a game and a team? With people bouncing a ball down a court and shooting it into baskets. People, mind you, that I don't know and probably never will.

I mean, it's one thing to enjoy watching your team play a good game. But crying? Really? REALLY???

So wow, I watched the BYU vs. Utah game tonight. And it was ugly. For us. BYU got their trash kicked and smashed and basically, they handed the field to the Utes. It was most certainly disappointing. And when it comes to football, I feel for BYU what I feel for Duke. That is to say, I feel an extreme loyalty.

BUT, I didn't cry. In fact, I'm not even upset at all. I wish my team could have put on a better show, even if they had still lost. Let's face it 54 to 10 is a serious whooping of the behind variety. Still, I learned that you can't get so involved in a game that you scream and cry and throw fits when they don't win. So it was ugly. My team lost. And I stayed sane.

Other People Do, So Why Can't I?

The other day I was finishing The Street Lawyer. And I flipped to the back, just to see how far I had left to go. And there was John Grisham, all the way in the back, sitting on a bench in what was, no doubt, some southern setting. And the thought occurred to me, "If he can do it, why not me? He's no different from me."

Well, he is different in some ways, obviously. But the point is, people become writers all the time. Millions of people have done it. John Grisham is just one of those people. And really, if he can do it, so can I.

And that of course has me thinking about so many other things. Like jobs or dating or marriage or cars or apartments. Lately I feel about as removed from success in an area of my life as I possibly could be. Failure is a refiner's fire. But failure coupled with loneliness goes so far beyond that. And it makes me feel like all of those things, marriage, jobs, dating, cars, apartments...it seems so beyond me. It makes me feel like I am different.

But maybe I need to start seeing these things they way I saw John Grisham that day I was reading his novel. Maybe I need to start thinking, "Other people do, and so can I!"

Five Random Things...Or, I Actually Remembered on Thursday

That's just because I was thinking about how I didn't know what I wanted to write tonight. And then I asked myself if it was Thursday. And that it is. It is indeed Thursday. So here is my random list.

1. I feel anxious when I try to control things that I can't control. I suppose I am noticing that today because today I felt better when I was applying for a job and working on my book. But when I started to contemplate things I can't control. Well, it makes me angsty. I don't like it! That and it is sort of killing my creative vibe that I had going.

2. I really missed my two best friends from law school this week. They took a trip to Napa Valley. Brie posted a really cute picture of her and Misha there. It just made me realize how great they are and how good it was to have such kind friends during one of the most grueling times of my life.

3. It is easy to dismiss other people's opinions. I need to be more careful about that. I think I want to be heard, and quite often, I am certain I am right. But that was something that made me crazy in law school. People took such extreme positions and refused to see middle ground. It's frustrating when you feel ignored. I need to be more careful about that.

4. Tonight at book club we talked about teaching. Specifically about parents and teaching. I met a lot of great parents as a teacher. I met a few that were difficult. Anyway, the discussion made me sort of miss my old job. It's easy to romanticize it. Now that it is long over and done.

5. Sometimes, even when I cannot imagine how things in my life will possibly work out, I get this feeling of peace that comes over me. I know in that moment that everything will be okay. It's happened a few times this week. Those are the moments that I try to hold onto.

The end.

P.S. If I were evaluating this post, and I am because it's my blog and that is what I do, I would not love it. But I killed my creative juices by letting myself get to worrying. So the reason I'm writing this post script is to remind myself that next time I get worked up over political garbage, I might also lose my creativity. Not really worth it. Just saying self. So calm down!

Circle of Control

So years and years ago, I had borrowed a book from my boyfriend's mom. Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. And no, this isn't a book review. The other day, my dear bff Jamie reminded me of something that Seven Habits preaches. And it's a pretty true and correct thing to preach about if you ask me. Moreover, I des.per.ate.ly desperately needed the reminder.

So here it is: imagine two circles, a smaller circle contained in a larger circle. The inner circle contains the things you can control. The outer circle the things you cannot control. Cannot. Under any circumstances. Got it? So give that a think for a moment. Which circle do you imagine is bigger? If you imagined the outer circle, you would be correct. The world is just full, plain old full to the brim, of things that you and I cannot control at all.

And now I want you to think about the things you worry about. Here are the things that have occupied my worries for the past year:

1. No job.
2. No money.
3. No car.
4. No boyfriend.
5. Mounting debt.
6. No job.
7. Dating.
8. Mooching off of family members.
9. No job.
10. Writing
11. No job.
12. No job.
13. My weight.

You see, no job has occupied about fifty percent of my brain space for the past year. Dating, or the lack there of and subsequently the lack of a boyfriend, has probably taken up another twenty percent. And there you have it. But the point is, my worries are over things I cannot control.

No job. What can I control? I can apply for jobs and give out my resume to friends and others who are willing to take it. I have done both of those things. I control the search and application process. I can't make anyone hire me.

Dating. What can I control? I can do what I've done. I tried a dating website. I moved to Utah so that I could go to a ward with single LDS men around my age. Can I control if things work out or if I even get dates? No. I can't make a relationship appear just because I want it to. I can't make people ask me on dates.

My weight. What can I control? I can control the binge eating and the amount of sugar I take into my body. I can control the amount I choose to exercise. I can't control my thyroid and I can't control my genetic tendency to gain weight quickly or to lose it slowly. I can't make my body lose twenty pounds over night.

Writing. What can I control? I can control the amount of time I spend writing versus the amount of time I spend watching television or playing games or wasting my time in general surfing around on my computer. I can't control whether or not my book will get published or if I'll ever even get representation through an agent.

The debt...the car...the mooching. What can I control? Well, all these things are in the circle of no control. And no amount of boohooing about it will make the debt leave, give me the money to buy a car. And truth be told, I have an awesome family who would look out for me no matter what. If the situation were reversed? I know I would do the same. That is what you do when you love your family. My family...we have our troubles, but we love each other. We look out for each other. I can't control that the debt exists and that the joblessness I'm experiencing is preventing me from getting a car and a place of my own.

BUT, and this is the kicker, what am I worrying about? All the things that are in the outer circle. I fret and fuss over any job I apply to because I can't stop thinking about whether or not they will contact me. I fret and fuss that I don't have a boyfriend. I fret and fuss that I'll never get published.

I am afraid that many of those worries have wearied me to the point where I have felt broken and down and out. Unable to stand back up...get on my feet. The worrying has turned into paralysis of the worst, most destructive type.

Here is the good news. I can choose. I can always choose. So I can choose what I focus on. I can wake up and go running or do a boot camp workout. Or I can stay in bed and stew about my weight. I can think about how I will never get a job, or I can apply and apply and apply some more. I can think about how I will never be a published author, or I can write and write and write some more.

So that's the circle of control. It is small. It contains only a few things: my attitude, actions and reactions. It does not contain the attitude, actions and reactions of others. I'm just fine with that. In fact, I am more than fine with that. Because I can do a lot more with my own actions and my own attitude that I can with anyone else's. In fact, it's sort of a relief. I just go about my day doing the best I can. The rest has to take care of itself. And that is a burden lifted off of my shoulders.

Boys..and Well, Boys

I am not a boy. I like them. I like them a lot.

But it has become, over my many years of singleness, very apparent that, despite my liking of those boys, the following two things are true: one, I do not get them, and two, they sort of scare the hell out of me.

I'm just being honest.

So why do I not get them? I have five brothers. I've had numerous male friends, close male friends at that. I've even had a few boyfriends for short periods...ever so short periods...of my life. And, AND, I've had more than my fair share of first dates. So what gives? Why are they such a big mystery to me? Why, for example, do men say at the end of every date, "We'll have to do this again. I'll call you."? When, in fact, they have no such intention at all? Do these men think it is polite to say something that is not true? To flat out lie to you instead of just saying, "Thank you for going out with me."??? Why can you completely turn off your emotions and walk away from a relationship with a person you said you loved? Did you love her? Or did you just want to say that because it sounded nice at the time? I really and truly do NOT get it. I just don't understand men.

And why are they scary? I think this is more about me than them. I'm afraid that I could be the last female on the planet and that I still wouldn't get a date on Friday night. I really feel like if I am in a room where single men and women are mingling that I am the last person on earth that a guy would want to talk to. Maybe it is just that I feel intimidated by other women and that men, well, men know how to hurt you. I've been down that road. So maybe the panic that comes over me when I am near single men has much more to do with my own insecurities than it does about men actually being scary.

I suppose I'm just saying all this because tonight I went to watch my nephew in his first flag football game. He's in a league. Isn't that so cute? It is. It is soooo cute to watch those little guys run around and try to catch footballs and make touchdowns. I love it.

Anyway, so there I was, watching the game and my sister-in-law is pointing out the kids on the teams who are in my nephew's class at school. And they are all the children of people with whom I attended high school. Yes, my former classmates have children that are eight years old. Actually, some of my former classmates have teenagers. It's just hard not to wonder where my path became so wildly divergent from the people around me, but it did become divergent...wildly, radically, completely. And that turned my thoughts to dating and how little of that I ever do.

And of course, there was going to the single's ward last Sunday. Something that I feel strongly about doing. And yet, there are my insecurities all coming into play. I mostly wrote this as an exercise in being completely and entirely honest with myself. And maybe, just maybe, these are things I have to get over. One, maybe I will never understand the way the male mind works, but that doesn't preclude me from dating. And two, the much harder part, is to start believing that I have more than enough to offer someone of the opposite sex. Enough, in fact, to believe that there are a few men who would ask me out even if we were in a sea of single women.

The Street Lawyer

So I'm trying to get in 54 books this year. According to Goodreads, I am eight percent and four books behind. So I knew this would be a quick read. It was. I still need to get caught up, especially if I am going to be getting a job soon. Which I am. Because that I what I am saying right now to be hopeful and positive about what is coming in my life. But enough of that. This is my review.

The Street Lawyer by John Grisham

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

So I know that I ranked this three stars sometime ago. And I think I remember reading it when it came out in 1998. I had a conversation about it with a friend back then. And parts of it were vaguely familiar. Very very vaguely familiar. That and I own the book. Although I could have inherited it from a former student or roommate. I don't know.

In any case, I suppose one would think that since I've obviously forgotten the story in all of its detail that I would give it fewer stars, not more.

But then, I hadn't gone to law school back in 1998.

And that made all the difference. It isn't that I think Grisham is or isn't correct on all his legalese and lawyerly discussion of ethics, street law, Constitutional protections and so forth. He probably is, for all I know. I paid attention in law school, don't get me wrong. But some details escape me now, a year out of school. No, it's more that it came alive for me because I understood the legalese, the ethics, and so forth.

To be honest, this isn't as exciting as so many of his other stories, like The Firm or The Pelican Brief, both of which I thoroughly enjoyed because they were taught nail biters. I mean were these folks going to get caught in the act of stealing files and uncovering the bad guys? Was someone going to find them and kill them? That just isn't the story for Michael Brock, an associate attorney just a few years from making partner in a large firm. This guy finds his conscience after a homeless man holds him, and a few other lawyers at Drake & Sweeney, hostage in their conference room. Soon after said hostage crisis, Mr. Brock goes out to find out more about his assailant's history and discovers a whole world of homeless people living on the mean streets of D.C. Michael finds himself swept up in a desire to help the homeless find justice. In the process he actually does steal a file. But it isn't something that he risks his life and limb to obtain.

Still even if it isn't as exciting, it did remind me of the thrill you feel when you are trying to do something for the little guy. I don't know if I ever want to practice law. I really don't think I do. But I did appreciate my experiences in the law clinic at Seton Hall, helping out migrant workers who weren't getting paid or a woman who was seeking asylum for her six children in Cameroon. There is something very satisfying about helping out people who don't have a voice. And I quite enjoyed reading about it in The Street Lawyer.




View all my reviews

Where Were You?

I was teaching. It was my first year, actually. We were just a week into the school year. And I have to tell you the things I remember about it.

The wall at the back of my room was a bright royal blue. I had put a bunch of quotations up on the wall, probably more for me than for my students. But I really remember that wall.

I remember that I had on this long, brown dress with a blue floral pattern. It was a spaghetti strap dress, so I had a white t-shirt underneath and a white cardigan over top. I'm sure I was wearing white Keds. Actually, it reminds me of an outfit Courtney Cox wore on Friends. And I can now admit that the outfit was hideous. Although I'm pretty sure I thought it was adorable.

A security guard at the school came to my door and knocked. I opened it up, and he said that we were in "Def Con Blah Blah Blah" or some other nonsense. I obviously had no idea what he was talking about. And then he said, since as a silly civilian his Def Con explanation obviously wasn't enough, that the Twin Towers in New York had been hit and the Pentagon had been hit and the United States was under attack. I honestly think he said, "We are under attack." I said, "You're kidding, right?" And he got pretty disgusted with me and told me about how serious he was. Hello, drama king. Maybe he shouldn't have been so over the top considering there were children present.

So I went to my computer and pulled up a video feed. I can't remember what website I went to. Maybe CNN? And there it was. Actual video footage of the towers crumbling down to the ground. My students were in state, so I let them come gather around my desk. I mean, they were going to see this, right? This footage would play out in front of them over and over again. I can't deny, it was extremely shocking.

So you can imagine that not much teaching went on after that. They mostly wanted to talk. Class after class came in. I thought surely someone would cancel the rest of the day. And parents did come to gather their children. But we held out to the end. The next day school was actually canceled. I didn't know. I came driving up to the school, only to see it was destitute of any living creature. So I went home and changed. I came back a little later and did some work.

But really, it didn't quite register. I got a lot of phone calls and emails from friends, what with me living so close to D.C. and the Pentagon. It was all anyone could think about or talk about. Still, it was sort of this strange thing that didn't feel quite true.

Until one day, a few weeks later, I was running on the treadmill at the gym. And there were the televisions right in front of me. I think I'd seen the footage a hundred times over at that point, but there were the towers again, and you could see the people jumping. The towers were there and then they were coming down, down, down. And there was smoke and debris and everything was covered. The whole lower end of the city was awash in ash. There I was, in the middle of a run, and I was crying. In public. At the gym, of all places. Just crying. That was the moment it hit me. All these people had suffered and died. It seemed so incredibly senseless. Violent. Final. I couldn't help myself. The tears just came, and I wiped them away and kept on running.

So that is my 9/11 story. Whatever the reasons, who ever the cause, I remember. God bless America and the people who defend her. Especially the people who defend her.

Once Again

So I forgot that Thursday rolled around and I was supposed to be writing my five random things. Instead I wrote my rant. But then I remembered...just like I did last Saturday. So here are five random things for the week.

1. I feel sort of guilty. I watched Easy A, and I liked it. I actually really liked it. I think mostly because of Emma Stone, who is amazing. And then of course there is that connection to The Scarlet Letter. We often assume things about others without really knowing the facts. It was clever and funny. And the language was inappropriate and the content, was, well, over the top. Justification, I know. But I liked it.

2. I feel like I am sabotaging my life some times, especially when it comes to my weight. Lately I feel like that old lady who has fallen down and can't get up. Only, for me it's like, "Help! I'm eating and I can't stop!"

3. I've been watching too many movies and playing too many games on my phone. Is this post starting to sound more like "five things I'm confessing" rather than five random things? But anyway, I have. It might be more of that self sabotaging stuff.

4. I love driving. I remember in Vegas that I hated it. I hated it because it was that looooong drive across the valley. Only really, sometimes I think I loved it because of all that time in the car to think. But now, it just means something new. Like freedom. I can't wait to have a car again.

5. I'm really grateful for the story of Moses and the Israelites. This week has been rough. But that reminder that they were led out of the wilderness was just what I needed to believe that things are going to get better. Even the Old Testament can surprise you, what with all those genealogies and smitings and laws and lists. I read it over my third year in law school and I admit, I'm not sure I really gave it a good going over. But this time, I'm seeing more evidence that God is in the details.

Well, so that is my random list for the week. Happy Saturday!!!

A Balanced Life

It's what I long for. I figured that out today. I think after the past two weeks of movies, t.v., books, and sugar, well, I need a better balance. And maybe that is the motivation I've been seeking all this time. I admit it. I've needed some motivation in life.

Take the following into consideration.

Monday: Lunch at Red Robin with the parentals

Tuesday: After watching lots and lots of television, going to see The Help for the second time

Wednesday: Found out I didn't get the job. Went to see Captain America

Thursday: Still needed a distraction and wanted to see HP one last time. Went to see HP one last time

Friday: Cafe Rio with Dawn; a shave ice on the way home from Cafe Rio. And probably going to see Captain America with Bernie and Peyton

Add into the mix the following: lots and lots of soda, candy, ice cream, and plenty of television watching...my life is beginning to feel out of control. I do not like it, not one bit. In other words, there is such thing as too much of a good thing. And right now, i think I've reached a point of over-satiation.

What I want:

1. Better eating habits would do me a world of good

2. Giving myself over 100% to finding a job. And then of course, working

3. Writing, writing and more writing

4. A social life, dating included

So...in other words, a balanced life!

Offended

I try not to take offense at people and what they say. Because people say ignorant things...a lot. I guess I'm just a bit riled about something I read on FB today. A friend from law school commented about a political debate amongst the Republican candidates, two of whom just happen to be Mormon. And he said that the two Mormons were the most grounded in reality. Just to clarify, my friend did NOT single them out as Mormons and made no mention of such in his comment. He just said that Romney and Huntsman believed in reality.

BUT...SIGH, then one of his friends said, and I quote, "Strange to think the two Mormons are the ones seemingly grounded in reality, no?" Um, excuse me, what? I sincerely dislike the assumptions that Mormons are somehow bizarre, off the wall, living in lala land sorts of people. I really, really resent it. I find it to be an entirely unacceptable prejudice.

I do believe in Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, and our current prophet, Thomas S. Monson. I also believe in the Bible. Because I want to be clear, I am an active and faithful member of our church. And just to make an obvious point, how are my beliefs any more unrealistic than believing in the Bible? For example, is it different from believing that Moses could part the Red Sea? Or that God would rain down manna from heaven? The fact is, religions purport some strange, mystical happenings. I admit it. And if you are in one camp - say the atheist/agnostic group - then the whole lot of us, be that Mormon or otherwise, are not really grounded in reality. And so why should we be singled out for such treatment? And if you are religious, then how come it is completely acceptable for you to believe in the Bible as you see it, but you cannot allow someone else to believe something that seems entirely impossible? It's a double standard any way you look at it. And frankly, sometimes I really really get angry about that double standard.

Rarely do I ever feel a need to defend what I believe. Either you take it on faith or you don't. It is entirely up to each individual to exercise his or her prerogative to believe what they will. However, when it comes to reality, I am pretty grounded. I don't believe in some magical solution to life's problems. I believe in honest, hard work. I believe in helping out whenever you can. I believe in treating others and their chosen beliefs with respect. And indeed I do believe that God reveals himself to us, just as He did anciently. And why wouldn't He? I mean, if you really go in for a belief in God, how are we, as God's creation, any different from Moses or Jacob or Paul? And if you don't go in for that belief? Well, then I suppose my religion is just as crazy as any other to you. And more power to you.

Just don't single me and my religion out as the crazy ones, thank you very much.

Dealing

So today is a day of dealing with disappointment. I'm pretty proud of myself today.

Because today I found out that the job...the only job I have interviewed for since graduating law school...is already filled. Of course, I cried. But only a little bit. I had a few thoughts about how I feel abandoned. However, I kept those thoughts in check and dismissed them quickly.

As disappointing as it was to find out, I think I am handling it really really well. I am a firm believer that things work out for a reason. This is one of those cases where I have to trust that the right thing will come along and that it will come along in time. So I didn't get the job. And tomorrow is another day.

A Good Kiss

I think I am a very private person. Unless you are a good friend. Then maybe not so much. But as I've been thinking about things to write, I realize that a lot of what comes to mind is what is immediate. And lately, my blog entries have been a lot about faith and fear and courage. They've been a lot about moving and trying to find work and getting a boyfriend. They've been angsty and moody and then hopeful and grateful. And of course it is natural to write about the now. Because how can you not? The now is just so...so present. So in your face.

I try to look to other sources for inspiration, but I'm finding that a lot of bloggers do the same thing, and I can't write about someone else's now because I know nothing about it. You know?

And then I remembered something. I have this really rich life. And I have some seriously good stories to tell. Like the old man in Barnes and Noble. I also remember once, when I was in college, a friend shared a really great piece from one of her writing professors about this kiss. And man was it so funny and real and poignant. Moments like that are, oh I don't know, enjoyable to write about because they carry emotion. And so I am going to share a story that I've kept pretty private over the years. And keep in mind that because I am private, this is sort of hard to write.

It is a story about a kiss.

I remember it was a really chilly night in Switzerland. Yes, I was in Switzerland. Lucern, to be precise. Oh and don't you just know that Lucern is such a pretty little city set in the tippy top of the Alps on this very beautiful blue lake? Well it is. Anyway, it was late March and it was a really chilly night. Kate, Read and I had made a yummy curry dinner, but it was too cold out to wander, so we went looking for fellow back-packers in our perfect little hostel. And oh how I could tell you all the good things about hosteling throughout Europe, particularly in places like Lucern where the hostels are pristine...much like the surrounding country side. But this is a story about a kiss.

And so we found some fellow back-packers. And we set to chatting with these boys. Read found himself a nice gal to chat with, so Kate and I were free. I could also tell you about how funny these boys were. So so very funny. We heard stories about girl friends falling out of bunk beds and stories about being on Who Wants to be a Millionaire with Regis Philbin himself. It's true. And then we played a funny card game and foosball, and I am telling you that I laughed and laughed that night. But this story isn't about funny anecdotes and ridiculous games. Remember, it is about a kiss.

So then Wil, one of those boys, he tells me he wants to go for a walk. This is where the chilly part comes in. The four of us walk outside. Kate and Andy head off in one direction, and Wil deliberately heads off in the other. So I follow him because Kate and Andy seem long gone. But I'm wearing fleece pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt. And these flip-flops. Don't forget the flip-flops. So I tell Wil that I want to head back inside because I'm cold, obviously. And I will never forget the way he smiled at me, mischievous and handsome. Oh he was handsome, with his chesnut brown hair sort of just flopping carelessly over his eyes. He didn't say anything, but he pulled that navy blue J. Crew roll neck sweater up over his head and then back down over mine.

I just smiled. The boy wanted to go for a walk, and I cannot say I didn't want to go with him. So there we were, chatting and walking down to the lake, right up to the water's edge. If I'm quiet, I can still hear the way the water lapped, the breeze pushing it softly against the shore. I can still see the lights of the mansions in the distance, somewhere on another shore, across the lake. I can still see the way the sidewalk glistened under the street lamps after a long day of rain. The air was so clean and fresh. And I was only twenty-four.

I remember that we stopped, and we looked out over that lake, and I thought it was so beautiful, and I wanted to say something, anything, because I wasn't sure what he would do. I opened my mouth to speak, and I felt his hand on my neck. It was warm and gentle, but quick...so quick and sudden that I stopped mid-sentence because his lips were on my lips. My heart sort of took off. My hands were on his arms, and then his hands were cradling my face. The breeze kept moving that water, and that was all I knew for the moment, just the water and the breeze and his lips and my lips.

There I was, standing by Lake Lucern, just twenty-four and caught completely unawares. A boy named Wil, his arms wrapped around me, kissing me and pulling me tightly to him. I was sort of smitten for a brief moment because when does that happen to a girl, you know? When do you find yourself in a beautiful foreign country, nestled in the Swiss Alps on a chilly Spring night, under a sky full of stars kissing a mischievous, smart, funny and completely gorgeous boy who tells you that you are beautiful? I mean, that is sort of a once in your life kind of moment.

And dear heavens it was perfect. Absolutely and positively perfect.

In fact, it might have been the best kiss of my life, and I've had a few good ones. Now I don't know what happened to Wil. We exchanged a few emails, and then he was gone. Now that I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing. And that is the story of the way Wil kissed me that one night next to a lake in Switzerland.

Am I Brave?

Am I? I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

And it would seem that I've done some brave things in my life. I've talked about those things before though. And I don't feel like writing a laundry list of items that prove I've got chutzpah.

What I am really thinking about is this move home to Utah. Either it was an act of complete cowardice or it was the bravest thing I've done.

On the one hand, coming home should be a safe thing to do, right? I mean, especially when you are coming home, home. As in where I was raised in my parent's house. That kind of coming home. What says comfort, support, love...like the home you grew up in? And here I am sitting in that home, in my childhood bedroom.

But strangely it does not feel safe. It feels anything but safe. That is because:

1. I am thirty-five. This should actually count for the next five entries. I mean, it is sort of strange for a grown up to come home to Mom and Dad's. Right? So I guess I just feel weird about living with my parents.

2. I still have no job. This is just plain horrid. I want to work. It makes me feel like...oh I am going to say it...a loser. And I hate that. But this no job thing has really worked over my self-esteem.

3. I thought I would never live in Utah. It makes me feel really lost, actually. I just thought I had found a home. I guess when things don't go the way you expect them to, you feel disoriented about it.

So I feel like this weird, lost, disoriented loser. Great. Not to mention the fact that I'm having a fat day crisis. Lovely. I don't mean for this to be a downer, but I am wondering if the fact that I came here anyway, in spite of all these feelings about my life right now and in spite of the way I feel about living here, makes me super duper brave. You know? Like facing down the parade of horribles - everything you didn't want to happen in life - and then saying, "Whatever. I'm going to have to make the best of it."

So the brave part comes in when I actually feel ready to say that. I am ready to say that. So whatever thirty-five. Whatever no job, living with my parents, no car, living in Utah. Whatever! I am going to make the best of it. Mostly because I AM brave!

What I Believe

That people deserve more than just one shot. In fact, I think two isn't enough, either. And maybe not even three or four will cut it. Because we are human and we humans, well, we sometimes don't get it right. And sometimes getting right means doing something over and over to figure it out.

And that means that I believe in forgiveness. If people deserve a do-over, sometimes people are going to have to be patient. They are going to have to be giving. They are going to have to look past anger, hurt, frustration.

But really, I think a lot of times, we need to say to ourselves that we forgive ourselves for not being perfect. And then we need to go ahead and give ourselves a second, third, fourth and fifth chance. Maybe even more. I don't think I've been doing that. It's really easy to give other people forgiveness. But I think I am struggling to forgive myself. Mostly for wasting time. For not getting a job. For going to law school...sometimes...being that I don't have a job and all. Yes, I need to forgive myself because I am not perfect and get up in the morning and try again, anyway.

Oh My Forgetful Self!!!

Um, so what happened to Five Random Things Thursday? I guess I was just so excited that I finished a book and could review that for my post that I totally omitted my random list. And I suppose, according the title of this little blog deal-io of mine, that is probably the purpose.

So here we go with a random list...Saturday style.

1. I love it when my team wins. I have actually been known to cry during March Madness when my Blue Devils lost. Actually, that night I was also screaming at the television. Screaming and crying. It was a tad over the top. But tonight there was no screaming or crying. At the television, that is. Because the Cougars took down Old Miss! Pretty happy to report it, too. I thought they would get their trash kicked. I'm happy to be wrong when my team comes out with the W!

2. I played some Monopoly today with my nephew. And I think I don't remember the rules. I sort of made things up as we went along. I am pretty sure the last time I played was sometime in the eighties.

3. My friend, Jen, married a guy who is almost eight years younger. Love it. But I especially love how hard we laughed when we...that is Jen, J. Phil, and I...realized that her hubbers probably doesn't really know too much about Ronald Reagan. Reagan is the first presidential that I remember, although I was alive for the Carter years. Wow...just starting to feel a little aged!

4. I've been walking a lot. I mean...A LOT! Boy howdy have I missed the cool mornings and evenings. I've logged over fifteen miles of walking this week alone. I just cannot get enough of the great out of doors around these parts! I've especially been enjoying some walking and talking. I take the telephone along and chat with the friends. It's stupendous.

5. Things in my life aren't perfect. And I am scared. Really and truly. I am up and then I am down. But I am learning that despite all the fear and anxiety, I can also believe. I don't have to turn into a doubter just because in a week's time I'm not steadily employed with my true love by my side. You know? I can be terrified, but I can still have faith that everything will work out for the best.

Well, that's it. Good night!

I've Been Thinking

So lately I've been reading the Old Testament. I'm actually sort of skimming it over and reading when I find women. As I said in previous posts, I've been interested in finding out more about the women in the scriptures. I'm actually quite surprised at the number of women I have found there. I'm only in Genesis. And of course, so many more men are mentioned when the lists of generations start. Still, there are detailed accounts of many women...like Eve, Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel and Leah. And I'm just in Genesis.

But today, I didn't find a lot of women so there was a good deal of breezing through. Until I came to Joseph being sold into Egypt. Those brothers of his...I can't really imagine what might have possessed them to do such a wicked thing. But in the end, it is Joseph who says that it was meant to be. In fact, he says this to his brothers, "...Come near unto me, I pray you. And they came near. And he said, I am Joseph your brother, whom ye sold into Egypt. Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither: for God did send me before you to preserve life" (Genesis 45:4-5). And then he further says: "And God sent me before you to preserve you a posterity in the earth, and to save your lives by a great deliverance. So now it was not you that sent me hither, but God..." (Genesis 45:7-8).

Now Joseph had been in Egypt more than nine years. We know this because his brothers come two years into the famine. There were already seven years of plenty. And there are five more years of the famine to go. So seven and two...and then however long he was in Potipher's house serving Potipher...and then however long he was in prison after Potipher's wife framed him. So at least eleven years but probably more. I'm guessing closer to fifteen. Not to mention the fact that 1...his brother's sold him; 2...he was wrongly accused but a lecherous woman because he refused to sleep with her; 3...he was sent to prison for his alleged crimes, crimes he never committed; and 4...even after he helps out Pharaoh's butler, the butler forgets about Joseph, even though he promised to help.

But Joseph is released and good things do happen to him. He's just away from his family for a very long time. Still, he sees the hand of God in what has befallen him. So even if there were hard things, there were blessings. And without Joseph, who knows what would have happened to the tribes of Israel? To the promise made to Abraham and Sarah when they had Isaac all those years before? So there is a method to the madness and a blessing in the curse.

Today has been a...sad day...a restless day...an I can't do it day. But who knows what I will say in a year from now or ten years or even at the end of my life. It is so much easier to see a trial clearly after it is over, to understand it. Even to believe that it was a blessing. I think, though, that today I have to accept that I am tired and that this too shall pass.

The Forgotten Garden

So I'm going to preface this review with a great big SIGH of satisfied relief. After reading two action-packed thrillers that were fun but well, less than superbly written, I am so happy to have read this. And to think I was about to give up on it in the first fifty pages! I'm really glad I persisted. It was well worth it.

The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


Well, let me start by saying that I am not going to give a synopsis of the story because, well, it's too complicated, and I am not in the mood to sort it out. Besides, Goodreads already provides one for you, and well, quite frankly they probably do a better job of it than I can.

Loved it because...

1. Morton is a beautiful writer. For example, this little gem: "Rose ran the encounter back through her mind, but worry had conspired with fear to wrinkle the edges of her memory and she could no longer tease loose the precise words that had been spoken." I love it...worry conspiring with fear to wrinkle memory. What a perfect way to describe Rose's forgetfulness.

2. The plot is engrossing, especially the mystery as it unfolds over generations. Morton switches between the lives of the three women to tell Eliza Makepeace's story. I love novels that move around in time, especially when the author leaves me hanging on one piece of the story to shift to another era. Granted, towards the end, it got a bit predictable and a tad long. Still, I won't complain. I couldn't wait to see how each character's story turned out, especially Eliza's.

3. Eliza was so nuanced. In fact, I thought all the characters were well written. I loved how they unfolded, layer by layer, over the course of the story. In the hands of a less skilled author, I think some of the characters, in particular Cassandra, could have come off as stock. At first I was afraid that Cassandra would be the victimized, whiny sort. She wasn't. And that was a relief.

4. The bad guy...well, let us say that Aunt Adeline is baaaaad to the bone. And yet you sort of come away feeling sorry for her. And Linus, Eliza's uncle, is extremely creepy. I did not like either character. But it wasn't because they were so bad that you could not feel any sympathy for them. I appreciate an antagonist that you can feel a little bit bad for. It's just plain good characterization.

5. Morton ties into The Secret Garden by bringing Francis Hodgson Burnett into the story and suggesting that Hodgson Burnett was inspired by the garden in this story. Clever! That and I loved The Secret Garden when I was a girl. Actually, I now want to reread it. Oh so many good books and so little time!

6. There are Gothic romance themes spread throughout the novel. And although it doesn't entirely fit the time frame for the story, the juxtaposition of Gothic themes set against Victorian mores of the late 1800s/early 1900s really worked surprisingly well for me. For example, Aunt Adeline is a stickler for rules and a complete prude, or so it seems. However, there is a dark side of her that believes the end can justify the means. And those means are WICKED. It was interesting to see how the two thematic elements, Gothic and Victorian, play out side by side. I'll stop there and refrain from writing an entire essay exploring the comparisons. (Although I sort of really really want to. Which probably makes me really really nerdy.)

My only semi-complaint? Well, like I said, the ending was a little too long and predictable. And things sort of tied up a little too neatly for Cassandra. I love happy endings and all, but it was a touch on the contrived side. But it is really a minor complaint. Over all, I really enjoyed it.



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