Where Did I Go?

I find myself wondering this all the time as I get older. Where did that old me, that brave me, that bold me go?

Take the following example. I was twenty-five. And I wanted to teach. I quit my job at the law firm to take a job as a summer school teacher. I was told that there would be a job on the other end if I would do this. It wasn't true. But that's a whole other ball of wax. The ball of wax I'm talking about is this: I did everything I could to get the job. I called, regularly, to discuss the position. I chased the job down, I tell. I chased it down. The department chair told me that "You did everything right." She wanted to hire me, she said. But her hands were tied, and she was being told to she had to hire someone else instead, so in the end I didn't get it. I got another job. But I looked and I kept looking and I refused to give up on it. In the end, it paid off.

I just wonder some days where she went. She was pretty much set on something that she wanted and she got it. I would really like her to come back please! Because I'm feeling pretty much no self-confidence at this point at all. Whatsoever. And I would like to feel that energy...the spark come back into my life. I want to want something that bad that I go after it with gusto. So if you have seen that girl tell her I miss her and would welcome her back with open arms!

Technically

It isn't Tuesday the 30th anymore. Because my clock is reading 12:38 a.m. Sometimes I can be so silly about staying up late for no good reason. Other than that I feel like it. I suppose something in me is rebelling against that pre-seven a.m. wake up time I've set for myself as a goal. And I don't know why WHY why I have to be a night person. Sometimes I really hate that my brain perks up around 9 p.m. every single night! So yes, technically it is not Tuesday.

But we all know I've done a little cheating on days here, so it isn't some big secret. And I'm writing because, well, I know I should.

Today I went for a walk after dinner, as is becoming my new little habit. I think I'm just soaking in every chance I get to relish that fact that it's cool enough outside to enjoy a little jaunt around the neighborhood. And being out of doors is an upper for me. It really does change my perspective when I look around at how beautiful the mountains really are. I think to myself that I must have done something right to be so lucky as to have grown up here...of all places. Because there are lots of places you can do your growing up in. Oh but here, here is breathtaking. It makes me wish I were a painter. And I could go outside and set up my easel and paint those mountains in every different light.

Anyway, so I was getting some perspective on my situation, as I was saying. I was imagining that all of this beauty was by request, that I asked God for it and that He gave it to me as a gift. Maybe to some that sounds silly and childish. Or naive because this is all just a process of nature. But maybe one day I sat down with Him before I came here, and maybe I looked down on the Earth. Maybe I said to Him, "I would really like to live there. It's beautiful. And maybe you could give me this particular family." Or, better yet, maybe He said to me, "You will like something a whole lot, so let me show you." And then He opened my eyes and showed me what was possible. I hope in that moment that I jumped up and down for joy and told Him that it was perfect.

So moving has been hard. But I cannot deny that I have an almost unearthly connection to this particular place. And even if right now I cannot see how things are going to work out, maybe that is the thing to appreciate and focus on for now...that I get to be in this beautiful place in this particular moment. So for that I am grateful.

Today

Well, I feel like it's sort of official since I've declared this day the "No More Crying" Day. It really is time to get on with it. And so today I woke up before seven a.m. - a habit I intend to continue. I went for a little run - 4.5 miles. And boy was it a joyous thing to run outside in temperatures that topped out at a mere 64 degrees...at least according to the iphone. And then I thought...what should I write about? I found five of these questions while surfing around on different writers' blogs. And then I replaced one with my own...because I really don't want to be a paranormal creature. And anyway, why not, I thought. I'm tapped out of ideas...for today.

1.One book I wish I had written?
It's a toss up. I love A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith. She's a beautiful writer. Her prose sings to me. I dream of being that gifted a writer. And for thematic reasons, Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling, of course. Seriously great morality tales. I love the focus on love, friendship, sacrifice. Both are favorites.

2. Favorite animated Disney movie?
Cinderella is always my first choice. Probably because I grew up loving it. I wanted so much to be her. And more recently, Tangled. I have watched it several times, and I still enjoy it. And I think I want to be her, too. She's tough. I like that.

3. Sweet or salty?
Sweet, obviously. But salty is good. And sometimes sweet and salty together is best...as in kettle corn...YUM! Or lately the trend for putting sea salt on brownies or cupcakes...as long as they are chocolate or caramel. Delish!

4. Favorite city?
Well...it's so hard to pick one. But I do have a love for D.C. After living so close and even working down town for a while, it is hard not to love it. Close second would be London. And then maybe Paris and New York are tied for third.

5. Something I couldn't live without? Excluding hubby's, wives, children and pets.
Well, probably would be lost without my MacBook. I seriously love this thing. And even though sometimes I get frustrated with it because, well, it is old and somewhat on the slow side, it has seen me through a lot...law school most especially.

Digital Fortress

This was one distraction too many. Alas, it kept my mind occupied so I wasn't crying like a baby in the Denver Airport.

Digital Fortress by Dan Brown

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


You know how some days you just feel like eating candy? And then more candy, maybe topped off with ice cream, cookies, cake? Some days that is okay. Until you get to about eight o'clock at night, and your body has reached a point that is beyond satiation. And then you think to yourself, just one last cookie. Your stomach is telling you don't do it. It's gurgling and protesting the hours of abuse it has already taken, but you keep thinking about how good that cookie is going to taste. So you do it. You eat it, and you find yourself regretting it almost immediately. You realize, in the end, that it didn't taste that good. In fact, you realized it was far too much, and you wish you could take it back because now, well now you have a full blown case of the stomach aches. And you completely regret your gluttonous behavior.

That is what Digital Fortress feels like...gluttony for your brain. It was strangely addicting, completely entertaining, but had no substance whatsoever. And I think my brain is probably a little dumber for having read it. Maybe it was because I had just read Brown's Deception Point, and the last thing I needed to do was chase it with more mind numbing ridiculousness. Maybe it was because this is Brown's freshman go...his first novel. And I should give it one star. I know I should. But because it was entertaining, I had to give the guy some credit.

However, when you set up a main character to be a genius...and I quote, "His eyes fell the length of her sleder torso - to her white blouse with the bra barely visible beneath, to her knee-length khaki skirt, and finally to her legs...Susan Fletcher's legs. Hard to imagine they support a 170 IQ, he mused." I'm not going to parse the whole thing. I'm willing to accept that stock thrillers such as this are rife with hackneyed descriptions of people, in particular women, such as Brown's "sexy" depiction of Fletcher. I don't read these books because I'm expecting F. Scott Fitzgerald. I read them because they are entertaining, period. BUT...notice that Fletcher has an IQ of 170. 1.7.0!!! Is that even possible? I don't know.

The point is that she's this genius decoder, right? Super smart and totally able to decode some of the most complicated cipher. And yet there are very extremely completely obvious "ciphers" right in front of her face that she does not get. Really? I'm no genius. But I got them right away. So I thought that really wasn't so great. And you are this completely smart and perfectly beautiful woman, and you know when all these various men are totally into you. But the crazy one, who is so obviously into you, you don't see? Even when it's in front of your face all the time? It reminded me too much of that one Patricia Cornwell novel with this one Kay Scarpetta character who is supposed to be a genius as well. But she does some really ill advised...STUPID...things. Um, not sure I understand how someone is a genius and then suddenly isn't a genius. So that was annoying.

I also think Brown cleaned up his act when it comes to sex after this novel. This bordered on a Harelquin Romance extravaganza! The feminist in me screams out in protest at such garbage. I'm all for chemistry and attraction. But I revolt at silly depictions of the perfect woman and the perfect man falling in love. They are both just sooooooooo attractive and sooooooooo smart. And they have the most perfect jobs and perfect lives. Ugh! There wasn't anything really graphic. It just felt cliche and empty.

And finally, the climax. It just went on and on and on. Oh dear me, just get to the point already. It was no longer exciting when all the brainiacs in the NSA couldn't solve the freaking mystery which was right in front of their faces! And the whole thing was going to blow up, and of course the perfect couple can save the day in the end. Because they are perfect and that is what they do!!! I just couldn't suspend my disbelief anymore, so there were some serious sighs. Some eye rolling. Some straight out laughs. It was far too melodramatic.

Now to be fair to Brown, I have now read all of his books, and I've obviously enjoyed them, mostly. And I think now that he's written a few thrillers, that his writing has improved. He's no longer focused on sexual liasons between characters. And while his stories are completely unbelievable, they are also entertaining. The guy isn't proclaiming that he's the next Hemingway, after all. He's selling a product. I just think that from now on, I'll take my gluttony in smaller doses.



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Sitting in the Denver Airport

And thinking. Another rough go of it saying good-bye to Josh, Carol and the kids. Two weekends of good-byes and I'm feeling done. I've just been reading reading reading...Dan Brown. The ultimate distraction, I guess. It isn't great writing but it's entertaining, at least. I'm two hours in to a five hour lay-over. It's a loooooooooooong wait!

Anyway, I keep thinking about the night before I left for law school. I was laying on my bed, and I was crying my eyes out. It was a frightful night. The weight of my decision sat down and took a little rest right on my chest, crushing my heart up inside until it felt hard to breathe. Isn't fear a strange thing like that? That an abstract emotion can feel like an actual weight upon you. And it was a mighty difficult night.

The next morning, I pretty much cried my eyes out. All the way to my layover in Dallas...probably. I think. Anyway, it wasn't until I got to Newark that I finally could gather my senses and stop thinking about how much it hurt. I remember that I had Eclipse on that trip. Another perfect distraction for what ailed me.

I guess I'm thinking of that now because the tears are drying up. And tomorrow I'll wake up in Utah. And I'll have work to do. A job to find. A car to buy. Apartment hunting. It will be like it was when I got to Newark. I had things that had to be done. Unpacking. Books to pick up. Classes to prepare for. And so life went on...and before I knew it, I wasn't even sad at all anymore. Just busy busy busy.

Oh TXas. How I love you! And how I will miss you. But we'll still be friends. I promise to come visit you as often as I can. But this is the right decision. This is the way it was always supposed to be. I can't let the sadness in my heart cloud what I know is the right thing for me now. So I bid you adieu...a fond farewell!

Those Who Save Us

Those Who Save Us by Jenna Blum
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

I have been holding off on this review for quite some time now. I read this a few months ago, and I just wasn't ready to say what I thought. Because, quite frankly, I didn't know what to think of it. My supposition as to why is this: I cannot honestly tell if the author wanted me to feel sorry for the two central characters, a mother and her daughter who survive World War II and then escape Germany. But in the end, I did not.

The story is not typical of World War II survivor tales. Instead of looking at the war from the perspective of a Jewish protagonist, the story focuses on a German woman, Anna, who only wants to save her child, Trudy, from the atrocities of war and from the Nazi regime. She would do anything to keep her alive, including engaging in a brutal relationship with the horrid Obersturmfuhrer, a high ranking Nazi officer. Blum does not hold back when describing the details of their affair, and I think it might have been what disturbed me most about this story. Of course, it should be disturbing. And I would have little to no judgment for a woman trying to survive in such a time, especially a woman who is trying to save her child. But Anna was really hard to even sympathize with, and so I was not sure how I should feel about her.

When we first meet Anna, she is engaging in a romance with a Jewish doctor. They never marry, and unfortunately he falls victim to the concentration camps. Trudy is the doctor's daughter. This is where my confusion started. I could not tell if Anna ever loved the doctor. She chased him, and he clearly tried to repel her advances, at least at first, because he knew it was dangerous for a young, beautiful German woman to fall for a Jew. But then he gives in, and their relationship is what leads to his capture. The real problem I had was that Blum described their sexual liaisons in a way that seemed violent. It almost seemed like it was something Anna endured, and frankly, I tried to skip those scenes. I'm never really comfortable with graphic depictions of sex, but this really bothered me as the novel went on because I couldn't feel bad for Anna. I don't think she ever really loved the doctor. At least, I don't feel like Blum effectively conveyed that to the reader, even if she does seem to mourn his loss. Because of those scenes, I felt like they had a very lustful relationship instead of a true connection based on respect and concern for one another. Maybe others got something different from their relationship. But it just didn't seem healthy or happy.

As the story progresses, and Anna is doing all she can to save her daughter's life, she engages in an affair with a Nazi official. He makes it clear that either she engages or there will be trouble. In return, Anna is able to feed and take care of her daughter. The town takes notice, however, and the people seem to disdain her behavior. I have to admit that I did, too. And it isn't so much that she engaged in the affair. I understand why she did. However, the depictions of their relationship were also graphic and violent, and yet she seemed to connect with the Obersturmfuhrer. I almost felt like she was strangely falling in love with him. Maybe it was Stockholm Syndrome? Yet he was such a despicable human being. I don't know if that was Blum's intention, but it was written is such a way that I almost wanted to blame Anna for the affair.

What further confused me is Anna risking her life to take bread to the captives in the Buchenwald concentration camp. I think Blum wanted the reader to see that Anna was a good woman who wanted to do her part in helping the Jews. But everything about her actions seemed cold and calculating, so rather than helping me to feel sympathy, I felt like what she was doing wasn't in keeping with her character. Instead it felt forced - like Blum was trying too hard to turn Anna into a more compassionate person. I just wasn't buying it.

Of course, none of my feelings about Anna and her coldness were helped by Blum's depiction of her after the war was over and she lived in America. Anna ends up marrying and migrating after she meets a U.S. soldier. She hides her past life from everyone. She is treated coldly by her American counterparts. The women in middle America refuse to accept her. I think Blum wanted us to believe that it was because she was a German, the enemy. But I thought the women didn't like her because she was distant. She did nothing to develop relationships with anyone. She kept to herself. She was even distant and cold with her own daughter. So that only made me dislike her more.

And that brings me to Trudy. I really had a hard time with Trudy. She wants to know what happened in Germany. And for a long time, she believes her father is the Obersturmfuhrer. But I thought Trudy was whiny and childish. This is a grown woman. And yet she cannot confront her mother or face her own indecisiveness when it comes to men. Again, I think Blum wanted me to feel something for Trudy, but I could not. Her inability to act, her selfishness, her complaints, all of it got to me. I wanted to scream out, "Pick up the pieces and get on with your life, for the love of all that is good and holy!" It just really bothered me. I have little patience for playing the victim. but it felt like Trudy wanted to play the victim.

In the end, I think Blum wanted to create a story about two sympathetic woman who were trying to overcome their painful history. But I felt no sympathy. Rather, I felt abhorrence and disgust. Blum isn't a bad writer; however, the book missed the mark for me. I wanted to feel something closer to empathy, but I just could not.


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It's Thursday

So in keeping with the new tradition, here are five random things.

1. I think that in the past year and three months, I have kept the United States Postal Service up and running. Because I have spent close to a thousand dollars shipping my crap around the country. You are welcome USPS...you are very welcome!

2. I have not done my hair since Sunday. I'm just piling it up on top of my head after washing it. Sometimes a girl just can't.

3. I ate the delish breakfast burritos from Rudy's this morning. Epic fail. My guts were a churning. And I hate it when my guts churn. So even if they were yummy, the memory of the grease pit that was my intestinal tract will be enough to prevent me from EVER indulging in that nonsense again. I do NOT recommend you try it yourself. You'll regret it!

4. Did I tell you I was moving to Utah? Hahaha...of course I did. And today while driving around, I randomly looked back at my adorable nephew Emmett, and I realized I would have to say good-bye to that cuteness, and, well, tears ensued.

5. I adore my friends. But right now I really adore my friend Jamie Gibson Wood. She always knows how to cheer a girl up!

Till tomorrow, ladies and gentlemen. Good night and good luck!

Halfway There

So I'm halfway to the goal. 182.5 posts would be the exact marker. So now I'm past the exact marker. I have to say that I'm pretty impressed with myself for sticking to it for this long. And it has sort of become a little habit of mine. Six months of writing daily for the blog. Not too shabby.

In other news. Still sort of reeling. From more than just the moving and whatnot. I have a few more friends getting divorced. And well, it has me thinking. Marriage does not equate perfection. I'm not about to bash marriage, mind you. I still want it. Want it bad. Want it more than anything.

But I'm thirty-five, and I guess this is the age where things start happening in life. And all those happily ever afters when you were twenty-five, well, they're different. That isn't to say that I think marriage can't be happy. And it isn't to say that all my friends who were married in their twenties are bound for a divorce. I do not believe that in any way. I guess that is why I always feel such shock when I hear about my friends and divorce in the same sentence. I just don't live in expectation of that.

The take away for me is this. There will not come a time when I don't have to work at life. Sometimes I think... in my delusions... that once I am married, then I won't have to ever worry about anything. I know, of course, that it's not true. But the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side, and I am sure that I have friends who would say that I got lucky being single all this time. I would tend to differ on that matter, but...BUT!!! My life is good. And I am healthy and I have lots of friends and a great family. I have so much support. I have a great education. I've traveled a lot. I know that mine is a good life. Sometimes life is good and sometimes it is bad. And that may or may not have something to do with being married or single.

But then I discovered something else. I was checking out a friend's FB page because he's posted all his wedding pictures from seven years ago. And I like FB stalking people. And what a cute family he has. He lives in a nice, modest home. His wife is beautiful. He's out and about serving his community. People say super nice things about him. And he deserves it because he is super nice. So that is the good side of life and marriage. That is the side I hope for.

But in the mean time, I think the key is to see the good and strive for better. I may not have everything I want. But I believe that the Lord can make my life beautiful if I let Him, regardless of being single or jobless or whatever else. If I want to be happy, I can find ways to be happy. There is nothing that keeps me from God but me. There is nothing that keeps me from having more love in my life but me. I want more of God's love in my life. I do believe I can have that in all it's glorious forms. Married...or single. Single...or married.

Lazy Days

Oh today has been one of those unproductive days. And not in a good way. I only like those days where you feel laziness has been earned because either: a) you've been busting your tail at work or school or both and you NEED a moment to kick back and relax or your brain might explode or implode or whatnot, or b) you've been through a traumatic experience and need a day to take a breath...meaning someone died and/or other such drama.

It has me thinking about that time I up and moved to Virginia. I was twenty-four. Hard to believe it's been that long, but anyway, there I was, twenty-four. And completely a mama's girl. The day my parents left my apartment I cried something fierce. I remember going up to my room and then pulling the blinds back so that I could see my dad's truck pull off down the road. I sobbed as I watched them leaving. But I told myself that I could cry my eyes out all I wanted to...and then once the day was over, the crying was done, and it was time to get to work.

The next day, I got up and started my job search. I got busy looking for something to do with my life. I stopped crying. And I didn't cry for over a month. I admit to having one total melt down after that month...mostly because I still didn't have a job and was worried about paying bills, and I did not want to go home. I did, of course, find a job. My life went forward, as I expect it will now.

The only difference. I think I'm letting myself wallow a bit too much in my grief over leaving Texas. I'm letting it be an excuse for not even getting out of my pjs...sort of pathetic, really. Life goes on. And either I'm going with it...or I'm going with it. That is the way life works. So lazy days be damned. I'm over you!

Deception Point

Read it...enjoyed it...if you need an entertaining distraction, this is the book for you. Happy reading!

Deception Point by Dan Brown

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


My four stars may have something to do with the fact that I am moving from Texas. And as such, I am leaving behind family. I'm an emotional wreck...feeling sort of gutted, actually. And so I say thank you Dan Brown. Thank you for writing an entirely unbelievable but completely entertaining piece of stock thriller fiction. I'm glad I can count on you to come through with such an engrossing distraction. I might have to go out and find myself a copy of Digital Fortress now. Because I might still be in need of more distractions.

The basics? Rachel Sexton is a really smart intel expert working for the NRO. Her father is the hot shot senator du jour, Sedgewick Sexton, a man who is all set to take the White House from the current president, Zach Herney. And then NASA, standing on the brink of totally catastrophe, makes an incredible discovery. Senator Sexton's outspoken criticism of the agency may now jeopardize his run for the White House and catapult President Herney back into the White House for another four years. But when Rachel makes a shocking discovery and her life is put in danger, Senator Sexton's play for the White House might be saved.

So let us be entirely honest and call a spade a spade. This book is pure nonsense. It goes beyond the bounds of all plausibility. But Brown uses real technology and scientific discovery to advance the plot. Certainly his use of said technology and discoveries stretch my limits of suspending disbelief, but that is what makes Brown's books so fun. He takes something real and pushes the limits of what could happen...if. That is the first thing I like about the book. It's obvious that Brown spends time doing his research. So even if the antics are far fetched, at least he uses real and interesting developments in science.

Second, it's fast...really fast. Everything happens in a matter of about thirty-six hours. Again, really far fetched, but it moves the story along. There is no time for a lull in the plot when everything comes together so quickly. Brown is the master of cramming the action into short windows. It sort of leaves you feeling exhausted when you come to the climax. I like that.

What's more, he stays focused on the conflict and doesn't weigh down the plot with needless sexual exploits. It's suggested, of course. And Senator Sexton is, well, let's just say he's the typical prototype of the power hungry politician, so of course there is that scandal. But it fits in with modern politics and, more importantly, the plot of the story. And there is no graphic depiction, in any case. Again, it's something I appreciate because personally I want the story to focus on the development of the conflict, and in this case, it does.

And I have to admit, I was surprised at the end. I thought Brown was leading me down one road, but I ended up somewhere else entirely. Now I suppose that there may have been some sort of clues that would suggest the ending I got, but I didn't see them coming. I was so caught up in the action that I didn't really pay attention. That's the mark of a good thriller, and I thought Brown did a great job disguising any trace of who does what.

Like I said, it is stock...entirely and completely unbelievable. But it is pure escapism. And for that reason alone, I highly recommend.



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I Did Not

I did not go to church today. And I did not pick up the phone much. I just didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I mostly just stayed inside and felt sad.

I don't feel sorry for myself. I don't. I'm not depressed. But it has been a rather hard day. And I'm trying to see the silver lining, and I am wishing that I could see how this is going to turn out. It's just sad to say good-bye to people you love so much, especially after spending so much time together. It's a very hard sacrifice to make.

I know I've posted a lot about this. Tomorrow I will post about a book...but for now, I just don't feel like writing.

In the Which...I Cry

Oh I hate good-byes. I do. But this good-bye today, well, it really did hurt pretty bad. I don't think I was quite prepared for it. But when those four little girls hugged me and told me to stay, I just about had to say yes. Had to, I tell you. I love them love them love them. But I didn't. I just hugged them and told them how I would miss them.

And then Leah hugged me, and I wanted to run away to another room and sob my eyes out. I am going to miss spending my days with her. She's a great sister and a good friend. I didn't enjoy saying good-bye to Zeb much, either. In my mind, I see him at the Dallas airport, all grown-up in his business attire. There I was, all done with law school and ready for the next phase. And I remember thinking to myself that my baby brother was really an adult...a man. I am sad that I am leaving him and his family.

And so that is all there is to say. I cried.

This Is How I Spend My Day

Let's face it. Last days can be...emotional? Well, last days spent with your cute nieces because you made a choice to do something that you know you needed to do, but it means saying good-bye. So this is what I did.

1. I went to the pool. I'm glad I did. I got to see Michelle, Megan and Genevieve one last time and see the kids frolicking in the pool. I love little Julia in her swimsuit. And I got to suck on Austin's cheek one more time. For the road and all. I'm going to miss the days by the pool.

2. I took the girls for a mini-pedicure. As you can see, we all got zebra stripes. It was fun to see how excited they were about having someone paint their toes. I'm so glad I'm a girl. And it will be a memory I treasure for my whole life.

3. I watched Julia. We watched that documentary...Babies. Because she ALWAYS wants to watch Babies. I think I must have kissed her a dozen times and just watched her little profile and tried my darndest not to cry my eyes out.

4. We went to Joe Willey's so I could have one last shake. I went to Joe Willey's the first week I was here. And man was that shake good! Just like it was today.

5. Leah and I made some Oreo cake balls. They are a delightful treat and we wanted to take some to Josh and Carol for our Saturday fun. We couldn't watch Biggest Loser because well, it isn't on right now, so we watched Extreme Make-Over, Weight Loss Edition. Ha...better than nothing.

Anyway, I feel like today was a good day because I got to do things that I loved and found in Texas. And I got to spend time with some of my very favorite people in the world. Oh if they only knew how much I was going to miss them or how hard it is not to cry my eyes out all the time.

Thanks Texas...Thanks Zeb, Leah, Claire, Audrey and Julia...Thanks for being so good to me!

Five Random Things

So new tradition for Thursday posts. I'm putting up five random things. Because coming up with a new topic every day is really starting to fry my brain. And besides, who doesn't like a tradition? So here goes...

Five Random Things:

1. I am a night owl. I always have been. I know you can train yourself not to be...or at least to tolerate the morning. I used to get up at 4:45 a.m. for work when I lived in Vegas. Because contract time was 6:40. And then the first bell rang at 7:00. I lived about forty-five minutes (without traffic) away. It was tough. I got used to six hours of sleep a night. That's rough for me...a person who needs seven and a half to eight to feel really functional. Maybe that is why I wanted out of that job so bad! Anyway, all this to say that I sort of wish I was a morning person.

2. Ironically enough, there are days that I miss the long drive home. Traffic was a biotch after school, so it took an hour or more to make it around the valley. But I miss the freedom of the road, and I especially miss having the time to just think, listen to a book or music. I swore I hated that drive, and I didn't want to do it ever again after I left. But there is something about the desert. I know I say I hate Vegas...but? Maybe hate is a strong word. I'm not going to say I'd never live there again because every time I say that, I end up in that place. Still, Vegas wasn't all bad.

3. I'm really confused a lot about being an adult. I thought by now my life would be figured out. But lately I feel like an extremely insecure fifteen-year-old. It sort of bites!

4. I don't want to leave Texas. I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't!!!! But I don't want to stay. I can't even think about my brother or Leah or the girls. I can't. But my room is practically stripped of all my belongings and there is nothing for it. I wish I had a Samwise Gamgee to take this journey with me because I am rather tired and worn out of going it all by my lonesome.

5. I am exhausted emotionally, as you can probably tell by this super happy post of super happy random things. Still, sometimes life is hard. And you have to do hard things. I guess right now is one of those times.

Fifteen Boxes

My life continues to get pared down. You see, today I sent fifteen boxes home. Which means a few things. One, I am really doing this. I am really going to Utah to live my life, and I feel like I'm Odysseus who has been off on adventures and seeing the wide world. But all the time I was supposed to come home. I was meant to come home.

I wonder if Odysseus felt a bitter sweet longing when he saw that his destiny was his home. I wonder if he thought about the wide world when he walked through the doors and saw Penelope, faithful, always faithful, while he was off wandering.

Because I feel a bitter sweet longing, oh yes, I do. It hurts in my heart parts. And I'm sort of worn out from all this coming and going and saying good-bye. I thought I'd already come home to stay when I came flying into TXas. I guess not.

But then there are those fifteen boxes. And what do you make of a life that is so pared down and bare? I'm only taking what I feel is necessary. Clothes, a few books, a few supplies. There is a little bit left here. But I'm leaving it because it is not anything I need right at the moment. I'll have to worry about getting it all later. Not now, though. Now all I need is going to be in those boxes, already on their way to Utah. And then whatever I carry with me to the airport.

My life should feel barren right now, or so I would suppose. But you know, shedding all these things that I have, leaving things behind that are not essential, well, it's sort of a beautiful thing. You see, I am learning something. I'm learning that life isn't about things. It isn't about the nicest clothes or the newest car. It isn't about accessories or nice furniture. It isn't even about a treadmill or boxes of books. It most especially isn't about money and having lots of it.

And that is why it is bitter sweet to say good-bye. I have had a wealth of joy living in my brother's house with his wife and children. I have had a wealth of joy making friends here in TXas. So I don't regret it. I don't regret not having a job for over a year. I don't regret what I've discovered...that you can get by on not very much. And you would be surprised, very very most pleasantly and happily surprised, by how your life can be cut down to fifteen boxes. But you still have a wealth of joy.

E.MO.TIONS!

Wow, that is what is going on up in here. Lots of emotions. Like every time I look at Julia, I start to tear up. She's this adorable little toddler, and I can hardly get enough of her. I can't stand the thought of saying good-bye to her.

And then I watched The Help last night. Of course that set me off because, well, it was sad and sweet and sad some more. That and it was my last girls' night here in TXas. So I've been saying good-bye to some sweet gals who've really been there for me this past year...this past very difficult and life-changing year.

Tonight, we watched Soul Surfer. And there is Bethany Hamilton is on a surf board getting her arm bit off by a shark, and who doesn't cry at that? I mean, she's praising Jesus as she's bleeding out, and I'm thinking I'd be passed out right about then. But she survived, and she goes on to do these amazing things, like win surfing championships and give humanitarian aid in Thailand and teach people to surf. Wow!

Then I see Julia, all over again, running around the room on her cute, stubby, two-year-old legs. And I'm thinking to myself how impossible this weekend is going to be, what with saying good-bye to Zeb, Leah and the kiddies, and a girl just got her arm bit off by a shark. I just said good-bye to all my friends in TXas this past week. And is Bethany seriously helping a little child get up onto a surf board? What doesn't this girl do?

Yep, it's been that kind of day. E.MO.TION.AL!

The Help

I don't do movie reviews. Because I have absolutely zero credibility to do movie reviews. But I did go and see a movie tonight with friends. It's based on the book The Help. And I loved the book. It's probably somewhat commercial and somewhat manipulative, although manipulative is a rather strong word. Let's just say that it's driven by emotion, and sometimes those things can feel manipulative.

But somehow I walked out not feeling manipulated. I felt something else. Gratitude was one thing. I am so glad not to live in a time where attitudes about race prevented people from being friends. I know people are racist still. I know people carry ridiculous prejudices around and that they teach those things to their children. But I'm glad that segregation is gone.

I also felt a deeper need to be kind to others. There are so many good people in the world. I decide sometimes who my friends are based on external factors. But I forget the good things in people's hearts. I'm always surprised by who can become a friend. Friendships can come in unexpected forms.

I loved the movie. It was uplifting and good...so critiques be darned. I'll probably have to go watch it again!

Blog Stalking

So lately I've been reading blogs by writers. My friend Melanie's blog, for example, is great. She has a few links to some other writers' blogs, so I like to check them out. Well, you know what happens. Those ladies have links to other blogs, and the next think I know, I'm surfing around the web and reading all these blogs by people I've never met. And I'm getting some ideas, too.

Like reserving one blog day a week to five random things. Or blogging about a favorite author, an influential book, etc.

So maybe it isn't a complete waste of time to be heading out to the blogs and reading what the write. Heaven knows I need the inspiration. And it's good to branch out because have you ever noticed how bands have a sound? Like you can tell when U2 comes on, even if it is a new song, because their songs have a sound. Not just Bono singing, either. The music itself has similar thematic elements, you know? And writing can be like that. I think authors can become one note writers. I want to do more than that.

And this is one of those whatever posts. Whatever!

Heart Break

So today we went to the mall. One of my nieces has been struggling lately with whining. Every time she doesn't get what she wants, she whines. I can't deny how I feel about said whining. It grates on every last nerve in my body. It grates on her daddy's every last nerve. And finally, he told her that if it didn't stop she'd be grounded from a birthday party tonight.

You can guess what happened about twenty-minutes after the warning. It's hard when you are four.

And oh boy did she cry about it. I mean the sobbing and the hiccuping sort of crying. She'd stop for a moment to notice something, take a breath, remember she wasn't going to the party, and out the tears and the sobs came all over again. Oh, and there were some screams. Some high pitched screams of absolute frustration at missing a birthday party. Because is anything ever more important that a birthday party when you are four?

I felt bad for her. It isn't because I remember what it was like to be disappointed at four. Although I am sure there were plenty of disappointments. I'm sure I got grounded and missed a birthday party or some other important event.

I just know what disappointment feels like now. And at times, that is how you feel inside. Just like you did when you were four and you missed out on your friend's party. You feel beyond sad. You feel something more akin to devastation. You feel your heart breaking itself in two pieces. And sometimes it just shatters all over. What a hard thing, to be heart broken.

I'm not feeling that way right now, mind you. Thank heavens! That's an awful feeling, and I'm very glad that today isn't a devastation kind of day. But pour four-year-old Audrey. It is a heart break sort of day for her.

Discipline

I've been giving this word some thought. One because I'm reading The Lords of Discipline by Pat Conroy. Two because I need some in my life.

Really, it's mostly because I need some. That title just gave me the word I've been looking for to describe my life right now. Have you ever noticed how you'll make excuses for yourself? Or better, have you noticed how I make excuses for myself? Because I do. I do notice it. And I do make excuses for myself.

Like today I was writing. I was trying to think of ideas, and one sort of came to me. Sort of. And so I wrote a scene with something I pictured happening in my head. It was okay. I think most of what I have written for any of the books I've started is okay. Some things are down right good. But good doesn't describe my abilities in the fictional area.

I think this because I've also noticed a little habit forming when I write fiction. I fall back on dialogue a lot. I know need to learn to write more than that. But dialogue is easier than the other stuff, the exposition of the plot and the development of the characters. The action. The drama. The conflict...especially the conflict. And although dialogue is important, part of what makes up a story has to be straight prose.

It's humbling because I don't know how to write a book. I've never done it.

And then. Oh and then, the point. I find myself thinking this thought: "I can't be a writer because I can't do this." Wow. That is a defeatist attitude. I am a good writer. I know I am. But then I have a second thought: "You write non-fiction better than you write fiction." Maybe. But then I've written a lot of non-fiction over the years. I've written hundreds of papers, totaling thousands of pages, including literary critiques, letters, essays, personal memoirs, journal entries, briefs, research papers. On the flip side? I've written a minuscule amount of fiction in comparison - only hundreds of pages.

This is where the discipline of writing comes in, and the challenge, really, at least for me. Fiction writing might not come as naturally for me. But can I really say that I've given something a fair shot when I don't practice it? And it isn't as if my non-fiction always comes out squeaky clean. This blog is proof. Some entries are good, really good. And some are meh. Some are "really, who cares" sorts of entries. But I'm generally good at this sort of writing simply because I've done so much of it over the years. I've kept journals since I was eight, so that is a pretty long career in writing.

BUT...what is discipline really, especially for learning to do something you've never done? Discipline is Markus Zusak writing the first eighty pages of his book over and over again. Two hundred times over again. Discipline is being willing to accept that this will take time and effort. And perhaps that is why this is the best challenge for me. I can grow as a writer if I really give myself over to the rewriting of a first chapter, and then rewriting it over a hundred times to get it right. And so really, it isn't about excuses or feeling defeated because it doesn't come out right the first time. It really is a matter of whether or not I'm willing to give myself over to the discipline of writing fiction.

It's Time

I love a good story. In fact, favorite memory time:

My mom loved to read to us. So one winter, she read The Miracle of Miss Willie. It was a Mormon tear-jerker. I loved every minute of it. My mom would sit outside my bedroom, which I shared with my sister, and my brothers' bedroom. She rest her back against the wall, just at the top of the steps. And we would listen from our beds. I remember when the end of the story came, my sister and me lying in bed weeping at the beautiful ending. I was so heart-broken. I might have even heard a few sobs from the room next door, but we'll keep that a secret, shall we? Wouldn't want to impugn my brothers' manly reputations.

I always loved having someone tell me a good story. But I like telling them, too. Like the old man in Barnes and Noble who cornered me for two and a half hours and talked almost nonstop. Or the crazy man on the metro who told me about shadow boxing with God. I mean, I do have a knack for attracting craziness. It must be a gift.

So what do you get when you put the two together? Me...writing a good story. I have to stop putting it off and just do it already. Lately I think I've been thinking about it because I've seen a friend have some great success with her first novel. And because I've read a few books lately that I've thought were either meh or worse. And I think to myself, if this can get published, then certainly I can get published. Right? Right. Because mostly, I just want to tell stories.

The Disappearance at Pere-Lachaise

Three words. Boring; pompous; meh (okay, so meh isn't a word, really). You get the idea. Read the review for more.

The Disappearance at Pere-Lachaise by Claude Izner

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

I'm generally in favor of period pieces, in particular mysteries. I love Paris. And so I believed when I picked this up that I'd delight in a story set in turn of the century Paris. I might have been wrong.

Victor Legris, a bookseller and part-time sleuth, is caught up the murder of his former lover when her maid comes to him in distress. She cannot find her mistress and believes she went missing in a cemetery, Pere-Lachaise, after trying to conjure up the ghost of her dead husband. Legris then chases down clues, looking for a mysterious spiritualist who may lead him to the murderer.

My dismay at the book didn't have anything to do with the particular time period. It's hard to pin down any one thing as the culprit. There were several things about the story that were troublesome. I hate to go so far as to say annoyed. Perhaps the word I'm looking for is irksome or maybe nettling. I'm not sure. I did finish the book, although I admit to skimming quite a bit. Here's why.

The authors, since Claude Izner is the nom-de-plum of sisters Lilian Korb and Laurence Korb, are apparently experts in the history of France at the turn of the century. And they aren't ashamed to let you know that they know their way around a map. Imagine reading several pages of "chase" scenes wherein you are given a detailed account of every single street in existence in Paris and every single landmark. And every single important historical figure (or even every single obscure historical figure) from the time that may or may not have lived on said streets. Just because Legris happened to be passing by their home or studio or wherever. It was boring and distracting. I felt like the authors really wanted to impress upon the reader their vast understanding of the time period. But they lost focus on the actual story while doing so. I get it. You know a lot (a lot, a lot) about Paris in 1890. But that isn't the meat of the tale, is it? At least it shouldn't be. Because if so, they wrote the wrong book.

Then there is the issue of "what the what" just happened. Perhaps part of that can be chalked up to my skimming. But certainly not all of it. A little example. One minute a character is in at his employee's place and the next, he is suddenly at home and about to be bludgeoned by a murderer with a cane. What? It's seriously that choppy. Nothing leading up to how or why he got to his home or how the murderer knew where he would be. It was so abrupt. I'm still shaking my head over it. There are several moments like this throughout the book. I seriously didn't get what was going on about fifty percent of the time. There was far too much randomness to get it.

On to the development of character and plot. The authors spent so much time on the details of the setting, as I mentioned, that they failed to really tighten up the mystery. It was just there. Nothing exciting or compelling. And it was loose, you know? Like details here and there about the mystery without any real meat. And the characters were meh...vanilla and bland. I admit the ending was a surprise, but that was because the authors did absolutely nothing with foreshadowing or character development, so when the murderer reveals him or herself, well, whatever. It was anticlimactic.

And finally, what's up, Scooby-Doo! ending? Seriously. Bad guy revealed. Bad guy explains why bad guy did it. And pretty much ends with, "And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!" Really? I admit that most commercial mystery/thriller novels end up all neat and tidy, wrapped up with a pretty little bow. But this was just silly.

So that's it. Can't really recommend this. Unless you are into being bored by your mysteries and thrillers.

View all my reviews

Bad Luck

So I wouldn't say that I have a lot of bad luck or anything like that. But today was one of those days where I was feeling less than patient and my nieces, the cutie pies that they are, were sort of making me a little bit (a lot) insane. Lots of just childhood-ness and whatnot.

But my sister-in-law needed some help, and so I took the three youngest to Chick-fil-a for some ice cream, a little face painting, and some time in the play place. And then it happened. The youngest is learning to go on the big girl potty. She's doing great, but of course you have to take her when she needs to go. And it's usually a good idea to take her more than once when you are in a public place. Because accidents in a public play place are bad news. All the kids have to get out while the poor staff at the Chick-fil-a have to scrub the thing down. And then you are that person...the person with the kid who peed all over the play place. I so don't want to be that person.

So I took her for her second trip in thirty minutes or less, and while I was bending over to pick up the keys that fell out of my purse, my iphone went plop...right into the toilet.

I was horrified.

But instincts being what they are, I quickly grabbed the phone without thinking about the fact that my little niece had just "twinkled" (her word for peeing) in said toilet. Oh my nastiness. I hastened her out of the stall, and over to the sink where I quickly proceeded to wash both of our hands vigorously. And then I slathered down my phone with some hand sanitizer...a thick coating mind you, all for good measure.

Ugh.

And at first all seemed fine. But then, the phone started freaking out, and coming on and going off. Finally it was done. It was not turning back on, and I thought for sure this it. My iphone is dead. Me without a job...having to replace my precious.

Ugh and double ugh.

So I tried not to freak out about it. I mean, that just made my bad day worse, but really, what do I have to complain about when I'm jobless but still have an iphone? So I calmed myself down on the way home. And once I was in the house, I did a Google search on what to do. I took the sim card out and put the phone in a bag of rice. It now turns on of it's own volition. Not sure what that means, but I keep turning it off because rumor has it it should stay off and in the bag of rice for three days or more. And that is what I am doing.

Because maybe if I am patient and maybe if I don't wig out and cry and whine about it, maybe, just maybe, it will be my good karma that I won't have to replace it. Pretty please, I pray I pray!

Turn Back

If anyone had asked me last week, and they did ask me last week, about moving, my response was this: "I'm sad, but I know it's the right thing, and I want to do it."

But today, well, not today. Today my response is, "I still know it's the right thing, but I'm sad and I don't want to do it."

Why is that? Sometimes you start down a path, and you turn back around because you see it isn't the right choice. But this isn't one of those times. This isn't a day that I get to say I won't. I have to say I will. I just don't want to, that's all.

Claire came to me in tears over it. And I wanted to tell her that really, I won't go. I'll stay and stay and stay forever. But the truth is, I can't stay forever. I was never meant to stay forever. None of us are. Some day she'll be eighteen, and she'll get into some fabulous school (like BYU), and she'll go away, too. It happens so much faster than any of us expects. One day we are learning how to multiply fractions and reading Charlotte's Web. And then out of nowhere, we are learning about Van Gogh while staring at Starry Night and trying to conjugate French verbs.

Life is just like that, and you have to go forward, even when you wish with all your heart that somehow you could just turn it all back and start at the beginning again. Which beginning, I am not sure. Maybe law school? Maybe Virginia? Maybe Annandale High School? Maybe undergrad? I just don't know. Maybe Texas? I'm not sure. But...now that I know what I know, I would feel wrong if I stayed. All I know is that my heart is breaking because I can't turn back.

25 Random Things

So not going to lie. The creative juices just aren't a-flowing tonight. And so I am lifting this idea from one of those facebook fads that went around a few years ago. The idea? Say twenty-five random things about yourself. Like things you are loving, doing, hating, thinking, etc. I actually love reading lists like this about people. I think it gives you a good snap shot of who they are at the very moment that they write it. And months or years later, the same person will say very different things. Here goes:

1. I can't stop thinking about moving to Utah. And I can't believe I'm doing it. It's pretty much on my mind all the time. Although I am really sad to leave Texas, I'm pretty excited about the change.

2. I think life is all about ebb and flow. Sometimes you have seasons of peace and comfort. Sometimes you have seasons of work, work, work. But in time, all things change. While this past year has been hard for some particular reasons, it has also been a blessing because I've been able to grow spiritually in ways I've never believed I could.

3. Pity parties are useless. And self-pity is a monster. It's not just useless; it's detrimental to your well-being.

4. God loves us, His children. So it's much easier to trust Him knowing that He loves me.

5. I think about becoming a writer all the time. I love to write. LOVE it. Need it. Want to do it.

6. My hair rocks. I sometimes get down on myself and I don't always have the healthiest self-esteem. But I have awesome hair. And the gal who does it here in Texas. Oh I'll miss Bethany!

7. I can't wait to go running in Utah. It's too hot to run here right now. So I can't wait for the routine again - especially in the morning in the cool mountain air. I mean, it has been sooooo entirely too hot here. Over 100 degrees for the past week or so that I know of and counting. I'm not sure I can stand it!

8. I'm going to miss soooooooooo many things about Texas. Obviously not the hot summer weather. BUT...I'll miss the friends I've made in the Rockwall ward. I'll miss my family. I'll miss getting Julia out of bed in the morning and Audrey's infectious laugh. I'll miss the mild winter and the beautiful spring. I'll miss Claire and Hallie playing together so peacefully. I'll miss Zeb saying silly Zeb things and Leah's giving example. I'll miss teasing Cora and Jess, Emmett calling me Princess Parky Pant and Maren singing her scriptures. I'll miss Josh and his kind and logical encouragement and Carol's banter. We are always teasing each other. I'll miss going to San Antonio to see Abe and Meredith and the kids, laughing at Ethan and all his Ethan-ness and smiling at how cute and smart little Taylor is becoming. It will be a sad thing to say good-bye to all the good things. And I'll miss Texans. They are kind, good folks, those Texans. Don't let anyone tell you different.

9. I have days where I miss law school. That is my dirty little secret. I mean, who would miss that? There must be something wrong with me. But first year was so awesome. Hard and complete torture. Still, it was awesome. And perhaps I miss the structure. There is something to be said for routines, purpose, work.

10. I love learning about the women in the Old Testament. I admire them. I am glad I don't have to experience life in ancient times. It was rough for women. Well, it was rough all around. Who am I kidding. But I think it was particularly difficult for women.

11. I can do a pretty mean pedicure. It takes forever and isn't nearly as relaxing as a pedicure at a salon or spa. But I can do one myself for a lot less cash. So home pedicures it is!

12. I am impatient. But I am learning to wait. It can take it's toll, this waiting thing.

13. Speaking of learning to wait, I learned something yesterday as I sat in the temple. It occurred to me that while I may have to wait, I make the Lord wait for me. Sometimes I think things like, "Oh, the Lord knows I'll get around to doing X." Like paying my tithing or fast offerings or going to the temple or whatever. Because it is true. I will get around to it. But all too often it is in my own time. I'm pretty sure, however, that when the Lord makes me wait, it is for a purpose, not because He just doesn't feel like it at the moment. And that helps me to recognize that I need to be more patient.

14. It's best to be humble.

15. I love dry shampoo. I love it because my hair can still look pretty good, even if I haven't washed it.

16. My friends Michelle and Cindy have these delightfully fat and adorable babies. I mean, these guys are big ole chunks of chub and love. And they are very happy and content babies. I love me a fat baby! When I see them, it makes me actually want to have one of my own.

17. It feels good to take good care of your body. Running, lifting, exercising, eating right. It just feels good. And when I over eat, I feel like garbage.

18. I can't wait to have a place of my own. I really really want that. I think about it a lot. I especially think about the couch from Restoration Hardware that I cannot afford. And a library. Where would I put this library? In my fictional mansion. A girl can dream and hope.

19. More good people, the people who say, "I would never," should run for office. I would never run for a public office. I know I shouldn't say that. I know that every time I say things like that, I end up doing them. Like moving back to Utah. But then, if more people who would never seek public office because they have no desire for power or to run things, then maybe, just maybe, we could get something done for the people of this country. We need a revolution. Not a bloody one, mind you. But a voting revolution. Where people go out and vote out the old and ring in the new! And the new...well, those folks need to be the people who "would never."

20. I own a lot of books that I haven't read. It's a sickness. If I own it, I won't read it. If it came from the library, I will read it. Why? Because I tell myself that I can read that book I own any time, but I have to get this other book back to the library. But really, I can read the library book later, too. I mean, it's a library. You can check out books any time.

21. Speaking of libraries, I'll miss the library here in Rockwall. It is a really fantastic library.

22. I can't get over Harry Potter. I don't think there should be another book in the series. I've heard what Rowling herself has to say about another book, and I agree that at some point, the story has to end. She outdid herself with that series. And I would hate for it all to be ruined by a book that didn't meet up to the conflict in the first seven. How can you write another conflict for the HP franchise that would match it? And why should she? Like I said, she outdid herself. She can write something else, and I am sure I will love it, too. Still, in spite of that, I feel sort of devastated that the last movie is out and that it's all done. Oh I must find myself a new HP...a new LOTR!

23. Failure isn't a curse. Failure can be a really big blessing if we allow it to be. I'm learning a lot from my own failures.

24. Gratitude can really be a cure for what ails you. If you focus for a while one what you have, you start to see the abundance of good in your life.

25. There is an abundance of good things in life. I am grateful.

Small Things

I was thinking about my taste buds today. Because today was cheat day. I finally had a really great week of sugar-free-ness, and so I gave myself the day to cheat. I had a yummy shake, a burger that was too big, cherry lime-aid and candy. Not all at once, mind you. That would have given me a stomach ache.

But tonight, as I was eating some peanut butter m&ms and watching a movie, I thought about how my stomach was feeling. I mean, it was the end of cheat day, and I was feeling overly sated and a little bit tight in the stomach area...you know, the point just before you start to feel a gut ache because you ate too much? And there I was feeling that, and I was thinking about the side effects of bad eating habits - weight gain, heart disease, diabetes.

All for something so small. Our taste buds. Those tiny things on our tongues that tell us something is good...like a burger and a shake...or bad...like spoiled milk. Something so small has an impact on my brain, on my choices, on my body, on my life style. It's strange to think that my taste buds can overcome my good sense about treating my body well.

In fact, my taste buds can control my mind! I mean, I think about food A LOT because of them. All the time. Especially on cheat day. It's all about what I'm going to eat and when. Which makes me feel like we as humans are not all that evolved. So much of what we do revolves around eating. Around what just a small little sensory perception tells us will make us feel good.

Ummm....

Something has been bothering me. I noticed it a while ago. I missed a day in June. I thought I had all my ducks in a row. I guess not. Now it feels like this gaping hole to me because, well, I missed a day. It's not a reason to throw in the towel. Although sometimes I want to.

Take tonight, when I don't feel like writing and I don't feel like I have much to write about. So what to do on a night where you don't feel like doing it? Is it one of those things where you just write anything, like what I am typing right now, and just move on?

I don't know.

In other news, I'm still waiting to hear about this job situation in Utah. I haven't heard back, so. I'm hoping I will. And I think, in some moments, I will hear back and I will get the job. And then in some moments I freak out. And in some moments I think that whatever comes will come and I'll be fine. Which is true, by the way. If I don't get the job, I won't die. So there is that.

And anyway, I feel like the stress has thrown me off. And I keep ending sentences with prepositions. And I still don't feel like writing.

Women...and the O.T.: Rebekah

So Rebekah. There are plenty of things to say about you, Miss Rebekah. And what did I learn from you? Well, sheer confidence, mostly. I think that is what you are. Confident in God. And what a beautiful thing to be.

First, when Isaac's servant shows up, you don't hesitate. Your family says, stay, perhaps ten days, and we will celebrate and you can get ready for your wedding. But the servant, well, he's anxious and wants to go now. So your family asks you what you want, and you say that you will go now. That's all sorts of impressive. You're leaving your friends and family behind and going right away. With a stranger. To marry a stranger. I imagine this in my mind. You prayed and listened. You got your answer. You went with Isaac's servant. That is an amazing amount of faith and trust. You must have been quite confident in God and your ability to receive personal revelation.

Then, when your babies were born, you knew that the second would receive both the birthright and the father's blessing. Again, you didn't hesitate to act when the time came. I think, like Eve, a lot of people would have seen you as a culprit, someone to blame. But you knew that God had told you that Jacob was the one to receive the blessing from his father, and so you made sure it happened. I say that takes confidence that the Lord had revealed the truth to you. So you acted.

I imagine that you were quite a force to be reckoned with. I like knowing that you weren't afraid, that you did what you felt guided to do. I aspire to have that sort of faith and trust. I really do.

Women...and the O.T.: Leah

I was going to write about Rebekah tonight. But when I read about Leah today, I wanted to write down my thoughts. I want to remember the way I felt this morning. You see, I understand Leah. She was not Jacob's first choice. Her father tricked Jacob into marrying Leah. But Jacob had labored seven years for Rachel. And even after he was married to Leah, he labored seven more years for Rachel.

It must have been hard.

Now I don't fault either women, although I'm sure the situation could hardly foster sisterly love and affection. But tradition held that Leah had to marry first because she was the oldest. I know she had her consolation, that she could bear children while Rachel could not. But to me, that would seem like a hollow victory, especially because it didn't matter to Jacob. He still favored Rachel. That and in the long run, one-up-manship is rarely satisfying. I think Leah wanted to know that she mattered to Jacob.

Of course, I am not in a polygamous relationship involving my sister. That is something to be quite grateful for, actually. But I do know what it is like to feel like the left-over, the last choice, the unwanted one. I know what it is like to want something with all your heart and yet that thing eludes you, no matter what you do.

And so I feel Leah's pain.

But this part of her story brought me to tears. Rachel had died and was buried in Bethlehem. Jacob and Leah were old, too, of course, and so Leah died as well. And in Genesis 49:31 it says, "There they buried Abraham and Sarah his wife; there they buried Isaac and Rebekah his wife; and there I buried Leah." I find a great deal of love in that verse because Jacob recognizes Leah's importance to him. She is the one who is buried with him, his wife as Sarah was to Abraham and as Rebekah was to Isaac. We know that Sarah and Rebekah came first to their respective husbands. I thought it was a beautiful way to honor a woman who hadn't come first. It seems like such a simple thing, but I think it speaks volumes of Leah. And I think Jacob had truly come to love her.

Women...and the O.T.: Esther

You just know I am going to do this. I am going to give my thoughts on all these women. And today is the day for Esther.

Well, this is my take on Esther. First of all, she married a king who sounded kind of mean. Well, really mean. And while I probably don't understand the ancients and their protocols of behavior, I'm pretty sure that killing people for talking to you or coming into your presence without permission is ridiculous. So I would not have wanted to be married to that guy.

But this is what stood out to me about Esther's story. Her people are threatened, and she is afraid to go to the king (her own husband!!!) and ask him to save them. Mordecai, her uncle, advises her thusly. He tells her she can hold her peace. He tells her that "an enlargement and deliverance" of the Jewish people will come from someone or something else. He then says this in Esther 4:14, "...but thou and they father's house shall be destroyed: who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" In other words, take courage, Esther. You are in the best position to save the Jews from Haman. In fact, you were probably married to the king for just that reason. Knowing that, you cannot fail. And so Esther makes one request. She asks that the Jews in Shushan fast for her. Then she will go in to the king.

What courage and faith that it took. She needed encouragement from Mordecai, but once she had been given that assurance that this was her role to fulfill, she did it. She sought for the prayers and faith of others, and she went in to the king. And the king saved the Jews from wicked Haman. I bet Esther felt so grateful to have followed Mordecai's advice. Once again, here is a woman at the mercy of an unyielding man. Yet she acted in faith. She knew what could happen, but it did not stop her.

Oh to be as Esther was, to have courage and to do the hard thing. To be willing to face death if necessary. That is faith. I'm once again impressed by her obedience and willingness as I was with Ruth's willingness and obedience. I've spent a lot of my life focusing on what I want and what is best for me. I want to make my own choices. I want to be right all the time. I think too many women are subservient. I seriously bristle at the thought of a king such as this.

But I think Esther was humble and looked at the bigger picture, not just for herself, but for others. I think that is why she could be so courageous. Her humility allowed her to see that she wasn't married to the king for herself. She was married to the king to fulfill a role in God's plan for the Jews at that time. That is really impressive. What a great example!

Women...and the O.T.: Ruth

So I've been reading the stories of women in the Old Testament. I'm learning some things from these women. I started with Ruth because my grandmother was named Ruth, and I feel a connection to Ruth when I read her story. She was committed. She was selfless. She was obedient. I like and admire those things. I aspire to become those things. But let me tell you some specific things that Ruth did that really impress me.

1. She was willing to stay with her mother-in-law. I imagine that if I was in a strange land with a different culture from the one I grew up with and my husband died, I would want to go home. My personal take on Ruth is that she was converted and that she wanted to stay with her mother-in-law because she believed. Her commitment to Naomi was a commitment to God.

2. Ruth was obedient when she was instructed to do something. She followed the plan Naomi laid out for her. She trusted her. She didn't let her pride get in the way or decide that she knew how to do things better. She just listened and acted. I think I am impressed by this because I tend to want to do things how I think they should be done. But there is a time to swallow my pride, and I don't always have to be right about what I should or should not do.

3. Ruth was patient. When Boaz told her that he would have to first check with a nearer kinsman to see if he wanted to marry her, she didn't complain about it. She waited patiently. Now, I wasn't there, and it's not like the account given is a detailed one. But, I think she loved Boaz. Boaz had been kind to her. And her actions after his kindness seem to indicate that she cared for him. So it would have been hard to think that perhaps some other man would have a right to her. But she accepted it.

Now this is what I'm learning from all the women I read about in the Old Testament. Those were rough times for women. And women didn't have a lot of say in their fates. I think those women were some very honorable and good spirits. I for one am very very grateful to have the freedom of choice that I do. Those women did not have that freedom. I think it took special women, obedient and humble women, to live in times like those. I am learning from them that not everything has to go my way in order for me to be obedient. In fact, perhaps that is the point. Obedience and trust in God should be a given. Regardless of whether or not the circumstances are ideal.

I do wonder if they thought, "Gee, it sure would be nice not to be the pawn here. It would be nice if I didn't have to wait for a man to decide for me." Even so, I am impressed with the patience it must have taken to wait for men to decide Ruth's fate. She was a good woman, that Ruth. She truly was.