It's Story Time

Get ready, peeps. This one is a doozie!

Once upon a time, when I was still teaching at Annandale High School, I would go to Barnes & Noble to grade my papers. That was because when I stayed at the school, there were toooooo many distractions. Other teachers would stop by for a chat. And, well, an hour later, that little chat would not be over. And then students would come in wanting this or that. Eventually I learned that I'm a chatter, too, and if left to my own devices, well. I would talk and talk and never get anything done.

So there I was in Barnes & Noble, grading papers and what not. It was around seven p.m., and I was thinking about getting up to go home. I started packing up the bag and putting things away. Of course, I had a water bottle. I tend to carry those around a lot. And that is when it happened.

The old man sitting at a table next to mine turned to me and said, "I see you're drinking water." Well, something along those lines. Remember this happened almost seven years ago, so there's that. But I do not make this stuff up, folks. You cannot make this stuff up for realz!

"I am drinking water." I thought to myself, what an odd thing to say. Who doesn't drink a little water now and then, anyway?

"That's what the doctors don't tell you," was his reply. What? I think. Oh boy, here it goes. I'm a sucker for these old men and their crazy stories.

"Oh?" I prompt.

"Yes, the doctors. They don't tell you that you need three things. Salt, eggs, and water. Really that's it."

"Interesting," I say, settling back into my chair. And then, over the course of two hours (two hours!!!) he proceeded to inform me what was wrong with the world these days, in particular how water, eggs and salt are the panacea for all that ails you. That's pretty fantastic, if you ask me, because then we can just solve all the world's illnesses. I think we spent over an hour on this topic. At that point, I kept looking at my watch and wondering when he'd be through with it. But then somehow, the conversation turned. Confusion ensued, and I really don't know how we ended up where we did.

He must have been a conversational wizard.

Because out of the blue, we were talking about Russian Commies, and the spies, and the book. And a building with thousands of copies of the book. And the building is blowing up, sound effects and all. Really, he's making sound effects of a building being blasted sky high. I felt like I was looking at my grandpa but listening to my four-year-old nephew, simultaneously. Those Commie #$%@$^&%! (His vulgarity, not mine. I mean, he's really upset is what he is!) They blew up his book! Now the world would never know. I seriously have no idea at this point what he's talking about but I'm nodding my head and saying "Oooohhh." and "Really?" and "That's incredible!" I really don't know what the book was about or why those Commies wanted to blow up the warehouse, but this man, he's worked himself up into quite a dither, and I'm wondering if it can possible be good for his heart.

Maybe this book contained the secret panacea of the world - the eggs, salt, water theory, if you will - and now it was lost. Lost, I say!

Now we are almost two hours in. I've got important stuff to do. Like eat. Because I'm seriously hungry. And then there was the trip I was going to take over the Best Buy, just a few stores down, because I need a CD player for my classroom, just something cheap, you know. Because I can't listen to my students reciting Shakespeare for one day more. I mean, it's bad.

And then he asks me how old I am. "I'm twenty-eight." I smile. Oh to be twenty-eight once more.

He then proceeds to inform me that he's sixty-seven. Strange, I thought to myself, I would have thought you were older...what with the craziness and all. Because really, peeps, sixty-seven is not that old!

Next comes the kicker...wait for it!

He asks me for my phone number.

Yes, he did. Really.

And I say no way. I'm standing up at this point in time because, hello, hint hint, I'm tired, hungry and I need my CD player! Enough with these shenanigans! And oh my goodness...he's still talking, if you can believe it!

"But how will I ever see you again or talk to you?" I'm thinking, well, you won't. And I'm wondering if I should ask the fine folks at Barnes & Noble for an escort out to my car. People around us are watching, some with little smirks on their faces.

"Oh," I say, "Maybe I'll run into you here again. But I don't give my number out to strangers." I find myself moving toward the exit. And he's standing there, sort of lost. And guess what, Best Buy is closed and I'll have to wait through another day of torture, ninth graders reciting Romeo and Juliet and me wishing I had that darned CD player.

I'm watching my back all the way out to my car. He doesn't follow me, and I sort of feel a little pang for him and wonder where his family is and if they know he goes to B&N and hangs out, looking for people to talk to because he's lonely and a little cracked.

A few weeks later, I'm back in B&N. I look over from my table and see him. He's talking to this young guy, really engaged in conversation. I wonder if he's telling him all about the eggs, the salt, the water and how they just don't tell you, those doctors. Or if he's made the sound of the building being blown to all smithereens. Anyway, that young man is talking and laughing. He's really engaged in the conversation.

It makes me really happy. And so I smile.