A Fast of Sorts

This is long and personal. Just saying...

So us Mormons, we fast quite a bit. I remember as a child that it was the bane of my existence. Which is to say that once a month, when the first Sunday rolled around, I would have to go without breakfast and perhaps lunch (all depending on when church started). My parents were pretty strict about it, so I would hope to make it to the kitchen before anyone caught me, pour a bowl of cereal and start shoveling it down my throat. If and when a parent or tattling sibling would catch me, I would have "forgotten" it was fast Sunday. And whoops...it was too late to turn back now! I was eating breakfast.

My parents didn't push it past church. Once we got home, whether at noon or at five, we could eat. I guess that was a battle that they chose not to engage in, even though the fast was supposed to be for two meals and twenty-four hours. And who can blame them with seven hungry kids claiming starvation!

I've since learned to fast and to do it without complaining. In fact, I do it at least two or three times a month, for one reason or other. And I actually skip two meals and try my darndest to stop eating for a full twenty-four hours. The fact is, I find it comforting. It's something I know that I can do when I am looking for answers to all of life's many many mysteries. If I fast, I can find peace and rest.

I need that peace now. But I think that means that I have to have another kind of fast.

Do you ever noticed how hard it is to be honest with yourself? I have. And in order to face it, to be honest, I am having a fast of sorts. I'm fasting from a few things.

So full confession. I spend a lot, I mean an embarrassing amount, of time on the internet doing absolutely nothing. NOOOOOOOOOO thing, I tell you!!!! It's an awful habit, and I do mean awful. I sort of feel like this alcoholic...only it's the internet. And I find myself mindlessly surfing through crap. Or playing games. And I'm being dead serious when I say this. I am allowing it to steal my life from me. I feel like some days I am not even living. I'm just existing. I know why I do it. I do it because then I don't have to think about reality. I'm quite certain that it is much like alcohol or a drug. It numbs my mind and distracts me from my problems. And anyone who thinks I'm being dramatic...well, I don't think so. I'm becoming something I do not want to be.

One time, I watched Hoarders. And I hated it. I mean really really hated it. I was so completely saddened by how these people couldn't see that garbage had collected in their lives to the point where that garbage would swallow them entirely whole and complete. And that is no exaggeration. I was shocked by the denials made. One lady kept talking about how as long as the yogurt hadn't exploded it was still safe to eat. Even though it was months...like eight months...old. And then she would go out and buy more. I couldn't watch it ever again because I just felt so sad that someone could allow her life to slip so far past the point where she could even see or believe that the hoarding was a problem.

And oh I look at my life and wonder what I've done to let myself slip this far. I've denied things before...like when I was teaching. I would put things off until there was this pile of grading and such. And I'd be grading for an entire weekend straight - for about seventy hours. Just paper after paper after paper. I was in denial about my weight, too. I just denied the fact that things weren't fitting. I denied the fact that I could see the weight gain in my stomach or my thighs...or even in my face.

Anyway, so back to this internet deal. Elder Bednar wrote a really great talk about letting media become an addiction. And when I read it about a year or so ago, I admit that I saw myself in that behavior, but I thought, oh it isn't a big problem. And oh, it's not such a big deal. Well, even if it was not a problem then, it is now. I literally spend hours on the internet every day. I do one of a few things. I play games. A lot of games. I've downloaded a few onto my phone, even. Like Bubble Breaker...and Mah Jong...and Solitaire...and Spider Solitaire. (Hey, as long as this is a full confessional, I might as well just get it all out there. No more denial.) And I have found myself wasting two to three hours (oh my, that is sad and embarrassing) on one game. Or I find quiz/puzzle sites. I love crossword games or word games. Or I surf around on Facebook. Oh FB how I both love and loathe you!!!

It's a problem. There are things I could do. Better things. Productive things. Helpful things. Uplifting things. I am missing the good I could do by wasting my time. The good I could do not just for me but for those around me. And it has to stop.

So for a week I am fasting from all games - and that means all games on my phone and on the computer. It includes puzzle/quiz sites. It includes, gulp, Facebook. All three things are on a lock out. I can't continue to be in denial. At some point in time, today, I have to decide what changes and what controls my life. It isn't games or Facebook. It has to be me.

I've already explained once my love for a few t.v. shows (Glee...The Bachelor/ette). I gave them up thinking how much I would miss them. And the funny thing is that I don't. Not even a little at all. I admit that I probably won't give up crosswords forever. Or Facebook. Or maybe even Sporcle. Not permanently, anyway. But I might have to say no to all other types of games. My hope ultimately being that I won't miss it at all. That I'll be able to give up this easily. And most especially, I hope that in the end, I'll see all the good I can do. And that will be incentive enough to make permanent changes.