Inspiration

That J.K. Rowling. She is something else, I must say.

So I read her speech given at a Harvard commencement in June of 2008. She spoke about failure. Of all the things to speak about, she gave a talk about failure to Harvard graduates. Along with other things, of course. The woman has courage. And by the way, it was good. Really good. I would have to say inspired, really. Just like her books are. You can go read it for yourself here... if you would like.

What she said resonated with me for this reason. I feel like some days, I'm failing my life. I do. I wake up at whatever time, and I go about the day not really doing much of anything. I've sort of sealed off a place where I've cocooned myself safely away from fear. I see it like this. I'm in a small space, perhaps the size of a twin bed. And all around me are curtains, layers and layers of them, extending out from the space. I hide here. However, there is a problem. The curtains don't just hide me. They are the fears. If I get up from my small little nook and push them aside, I'll have to face my fears, touch them, even interact inside of them. I know there is only one way out of my island of solitude. The minute I get up to face the fears, I draw back. It hurts, like being burned, and I don't want to do it.

In the safe place I can dream my life to be what I want it to. Reality is just so much harder than that. Reality means I have to face my failures.

But that Ms. Rowling, she's right. Failure is perhaps the best place to be at one point or another. Because failure forces you to look at what is real in your life. I've been stripped down of all my personal comforts. My own space, for example; a car to get in and drive where I will; the money to buy my own food; the reality of waking up in your brother's home; a lack of any sort of romantic life...for years. I never saw myself here at thirty-five. It is rock bottom. It is failure. I may be a college grad and have a second degree. I may have passed the bar exam. I never ever ever ever expected to be in a place like this.

And then I read her speech. This is what she said of herself, "The fears that my parents had had for me, and that I had had for myself, had both come to pass, and by every usual standard, I was the biggest failure I knew." The fears she had for herself had come to pass. Oh how I can relate. I feared being single. I feared graduating law school and being unable to find work. I feared gaining weight.

However...this part of what she said...this is the part I love: "...failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." And what a rebuilding that was.

Here is the thing, folks. As I sit here writing this, I realize for myself that I am still alive. My greatest biggest scariest fear, being single into my thirties, is reality. And I'm telling you, it has been my greatest fear. It didn't kill me. I'm still here. My fears in law school that perhaps I'd struggle to find work after the economy tanked came true. But that didn't kill me either. I'm still here. And I've feared gaining weight my entire life...ever since I was a chubby kid. And I've struggled with my weight my entire life. And guess what? That didn't kill me. I'm still here.

The point isn't my specific fears. The point is that, by my own personal measure of what I thought I would be at thirty-five, I am a failure. More importantly, Ms. Rowling is right. None of it killed me.

I still have many things. I have family and friends who never abandoned me. I have ideas to write about. I have my sturdy old Mac from five years ago. I have a vivid imagination. And I can write. I've always had that. Ever since I was a girl I've had that.

Mostly, though, when I think about what this can teach me personally, I know this. Just because you are down, doesn't mean you are out. Just because you feel like a failure at one time or another, doesn't me you are a failure. It's like that whole doing versus being talk from general conference. We need to be careful about labeling ourselves based on incidents in our lives. I am not a failure just because life didn't go perfectly.

And one more thing. I think I really have weathered this storm in my life rather well, if I do say so myself. Because as I write this, I don't feel like crying over my lot in life. Mostly I feel like celebrating. That probably sounds a little crazy, but I do. I feel like celebrating because even if all the bad things in life that I didn't want to experience came true, I'm still standing. And I'm stronger for it. And that, my friends, really is something to celebrate.