I honestly forgot to post yesterday. I suppose that happens when you begin creating a new habit. I've actually thought about deleting some of my first posts. I don't know. We'll see, but I'd like to start fresh, with some more concrete goals in mind...and written down.
And now to move on to what this post is about. I can't stop worrying. Well, I can, but I am not sure how. Worrying has always ALWAYS been a problem for me. It's an old habit...I've been worrying since childhood. I remember when I was little, we had this yellow station wagon. Whatever, the car isn't important, really. I just remember that I was in that car, cowering in the space in front of the middle seat. Why, you may ask, and just what does a child have to worry about? (And I don't remember how old I was. I want to say four or five, maybe?) I was worried about dying. Yep. Dying. There I was, in my puffy winter coat, sitting on the floor of the station wagon in fear of death. That wasn't the only thing I worried about. Once my mom gave a man from our ward a ride home after a church function during the week. I thought that they were in love, and I remember worrying that my parents would get divorced. I have no idea why. It was entirely innocent...just a ride home. Do four-year-olds worry about those things? I mean, can that possibly be normal?
So now I am a grown up. I don't worry too much about death or my parents choosing to divorce. I am worried about going to work on Monday. Yep. Work. That is my boogie man under the bed. What's worse is that I've been looking for a job for about eight or nine months now. Surprising, I have felt very calm about it - until the last week. The last week, I've felt much more anxiety. A contract agency called me Thursday about a position. I found out yesterday that I'd be going in on Monday.
I should be jumping up and down for joy. I should be excited about the opportunity. I should be happy.
Instead I am worried. Don't misunderstand me. I'm grateful for work and to be doing something again. I'm glad I won't be stuck at home worrying about paying school debt. It's a foot in the door and a step forward. But that also means that I have to move forward with finding a car. So that's more debt. And then I start thinking about finding an apartment...which means buying furniture. Which means more debt.
I've wanted a job for so long. I've been praying for a job, and all along I've felt peace that the right thing would come along and that everything would work out the way that it should. And now something is happening and I feel anxious. Why? I suppose some of it is first day jitters. I remember how anxious I was when law school started. I angsted over the first day of orientation. I angsted that Professor Denbeaux didn't post his first day assignment until Friday night. Of course, his class was first thing on Monday morning. I angsted about going to class the first day. In fact, I angsted the entire week and then calmed down when I adjusted. I could say the same for all of the times I've started a new job, for all the moves, the first day of class at BYU.
And isn't that how it is? I know once I'm there, I'll be fine. I'll start to work, and I'll forget there was ever a reason to worry at all, and I'll adjust to the environment. That is one thing I've discovered after all these moves, new jobs, new school, new situations. I adapt very well and very quickly. It's just the part leading up to what is new that freaks me out. Why, when experience has taught me that I will adjust, do I do that?
In any case, I'm grateful. Monday is a new day. I have work...something to do. I am grateful for that because that is one less loan that has to be deferred. I am grateful because it is one step closer to getting a permanent position. I am grateful because kind friends loaned me a car so that I don't have to rush out and look for one right away. I can take my time and make a good decision. I am grateful. And that is what matters.
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