Keeping a Promise

A little bit of anxiety and stress can be a legitimate motivator. I was going to say good, but upon further reflection, I don't think good is a fair or correct modifier, especially when it comes to words like anxiety or stress. So I'll say legitimate and leave it at that. You know what I mean. You have a deadline, an exam, an assignment and you feel a bit of pressure and that pressure gets you moving. It tends to work for me; although I make no claims that that is the best way to get the job done.

But what happens when those two things explode into fear? Say sayonara to motivation, at least for me.

So what exactly is it I'm afraid of? I'm afraid that whatever I have to write down here won't be good enough. I'm afraid that people will read it and think "hmmm...garbage." I'm afraid to even tell people that I'm doing this yet because I'd be telling people I know... people I care about. Naturally these are the people who will read it. And so naturally, I would care about those opinions most.

You can all see the inevitable end that my line of thinking leads to... the ugly "what ifs". (Note that I use "you". I assume that eventually I'm going to have to open myself up to outsiders becoming privy to this blog and my thoughts. But I digress...back to those awful "what ifs".)

1. What if you critique me and I fall short?
2. What if I alone think that what I am writing is good?
3. What if you want to say stop writing...stick with the whole attorney thing...but you don't want to be honest because you don't want to hurt me?
4. Or, what if the worst happens? What if it's just blah? What if it inspires nothing? Worst possible outcome in my mind is that my writing is trite, boring, unoffensive but uninspired.

Of course, I know that those voices are in my head. It's fear, really, that tells me that people will reject what I have to say. I know, inevitably, that some people won't like the way I write. That's life. How else can one explain the classification of On The Road as a modern masterpiece? I detest that novel, and yet it holds its place in canonical literature, or at least literature taught in by modern American Lit. professors around the country. So whatever I say, I have to accept some level of rejection. Being afraid is not a reason to give it up.

I wonder sometimes if I am the only person who thinks about things like this. Do other people get so afraid that it stops them from pursuing the thing they want and love? It's a painful thing to admit. I risk exposing a vulnerability. The truth is, I DO care what people think. It makes me feel weak, at a disadvantage...like someone can hurt me. On the other hand, what is the alternative. To delete this paragraph, this page, this blog? And really what disadvantage is there to pursuing a passion and accepting rejection?

Writers are sensitive. Better yet, humans are sensitive. But here is a list of some particularly sensitive writers.

1. The Bronte sisters
2. Emily Dickinson
3. Margaret Mitchell

Alright, those are the only ones who I know for certain were sensitive souls. Still, pretty impressive line up. Pretty successful, albeit for some, posthumously. Dickinson might have been mortified at the thought of publication or any sort of public exposure. I personally hope she's up in heaven doing a dance of joy at the success of her writing, though. In any case, point being, if they can put aside fear and go forward, so can I. Maybe they never fully got rid of the fear anyway. Maybe the point is to do what you want to do even if you are afraid.

I promised myself, when I sat down last night and wrote my first entry, I would make a commitment to write every day. And this is me, keeping the promise. I cannot get better at writing without the critique and the daily practice. I cannot become what I hope to become sitting under a rock. I hoped that by doing nothing, by just dreaming and forgetting the rest, I would be okay. Ummm..big shocker...I'm finding that is not the case. Living in fear is worse. It's suffocating and demoralizing. And I honestly cannot do it anymore. So I have to keep this promise to myself.

I'll be like Julie (from Julie and Julia) except I won't be cooking (duh). I'll be writing. Writing my way through my fear one day at a time for a full year.

So, here is to day two of keeping a promise.