Oh my I have not posted in a long, long, loooooooong time. I've been thinking about it. Well, once in a while it does cross my mind that I have these two blogs that I never write upon and that have probably gone largely ignored by everyone. And I say I want to write more and then I don't. And I'm rather too shy about sharing what I do write, anyway. Oh bother, it is rough, trying and trying to figure this all out.
But tonight. It is late. Actually, it is morning, but I have to write about something because I have to. I just have to. A few months ago I was talking to a coworker about what I allow myself to absorb from the emotional climate around me. And I find that I am far too susceptible to the emotional output of others. Well,
But then there is that ugly, opposing side. Be it stressed out, neurotic, angry, depressed. I am certain to come down a few notches in those particular environs, too.
Tonight, though, tonight I had this breaking point where suddenly it didn't make sense to me. You see, I've been having these up moments, moments where I feel like the world is conspiring to bring about all things in my favor and hope is such a nice thing to feel. So I'm feeling hopeful, happy, stress free. And then someone comes along and says something totally down. Something that sort of kills my buzz.
I need...I need something, but what? Better control of my environment? Hmmm...or better control of me? Or both? I'm not sure what it is.
On the one hand, I really do think I need to figure out how I'm going to have a home of my own. And then I really can have a little more control over the environment. But then on the other hand, you can't have 100% control of all environments or of any other person. Ever. Because we can't control one another. Ever.
So really, I'm going to run into those sorts of moments from time to time - at work, running errands, hanging out with friends or family. And something is going to get said or whatever, and I can't always let those things create stress in my life. I can't. In case you didn't hear that, I CANNOT!
I'll say that I'm a stresser by nature, and that is true. But I still think I get to choose. Otherwise we are all just doomed to our "nature" and then what? The world is full of people with no say in life...no say in how they will respond to circumstances. So even if I do move out, which eventually I will, I still have to find a way to let it roll off my back - to prevent the buzz kill from killing my buzz. To be at peace when things are not peaceful - to rest in a moment of fear, panic, anger, bitterness. To just be able to feed on my own trust in Christ, in God, in everything that I believe to be good.
Because I just can't let other people feed my emotional state anymore. Not, in any case, if they aren't feeding it good things.
