Emotional Environtments

Part I

Oh my I have not posted in a long, long, loooooooong time. I've been thinking about it. Well, once in a while it does cross my mind that I have these two blogs that I never write upon and that have probably gone largely ignored by everyone. And I say I want to write more and then I don't. And I'm rather too shy about sharing what I do write, anyway. Oh bother, it is rough, trying and trying to figure this all out.

But tonight. It is late. Actually, it is morning, but I have to write about something because I have to. I just have to. A few months ago I was talking to a coworker about what I allow myself to absorb from the emotional climate around me. And I find that I am far too susceptible to the emotional output of others. Well, mostly...that is sometimes it isn't good. Because I am susceptible to both the positive and the negative, that is, so if people are hap hap happy and such, well, then that brings me up a few notches, and oh good company is a beautiful thing.

But then there is that ugly, opposing side. Be it stressed out, neurotic, angry, depressed. I am certain to come down a few notches in those particular environs, too.

Tonight, though, tonight I had this breaking point where suddenly it didn't make sense to me. You see, I've been having these up moments, moments where I feel like the world is conspiring to bring about all things in my favor and hope is such a nice thing to feel. So I'm feeling hopeful, happy, stress free. And then someone comes along and says something totally down. Something that sort of kills my buzz.

I need...I need something, but what? Better control of my environment? Hmmm...or better control of me? Or both? I'm not sure what it is.

On the one hand, I really do think I need to figure out how I'm going to have a home of my own. And then I really can have a little more control over the environment. But then on the other hand, you can't have 100% control of all environments or of any other person. Ever. Because we can't control one another. Ever.

So really, I'm going to run into those sorts of moments from time to time - at work, running errands, hanging out with friends or family. And something is going to get said or whatever, and I can't always let those things create stress in my life. I can't. In case you didn't hear that, I CANNOT!

I'll say that I'm a stresser by nature, and that is true. But I still think I get to choose. Otherwise we are all just doomed to our "nature" and then what? The world is full of people with no say in life...no say in how they will respond to circumstances. So even if I do move out, which eventually I will, I still have to find a way to let it roll off my back - to prevent the buzz kill from killing my buzz. To be at peace when things are not peaceful - to rest in a moment of fear, panic, anger, bitterness. To just be able to feed on my own trust in Christ, in God, in everything that I believe to be good.

Because I just can't let other people feed my emotional state anymore. Not, in any case, if they aren't feeding it good things.

Something Blue

I'm going to give a brief explanation as to why I chose to read this. I'd been warned about Miss Giffin...her vulgarity in particular. But I felt compelled to try out one of her books, anyway. Why? Because I feel something of a kinship to her. She was an attorney who was very unhappy with her career choice. I once saw her in an interview (while I was in law school), and she said something akin to the following: "People who go to law school are people who are afraid to follow their real dreams." It hit a little too close to home, not just because I was afraid that what she said was true for me, but because I wanted to be doing what she does. Writing novels. Well, I I'm working on that...writing a novel that is. I think I was meant to see that interview. And even if I didn't love this book, I do appreciate Miss Giffin's honesty. I needed to hear that. So thank you Miss Giffin.

Something Blue by Emily Giffin

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Actually, at times I'd give this one star...and at times I'd give it three or even four. In the end, I'd give it 2.5 stars because it had its redeeming moments and I liked it some of the time. The truth is, I'd been warned* about Emily Giffin's books. However, for other reasons (long story about an interview with Giffin I once saw), I really wanted to try at least one of her novels.

So if you've read the first book (Something Borrowed...and I have not) or if you've seen the movie (and I have), you know that Darcy, the main character here, has just been "betrayed" by her best friend and fiance. Darcy has been doing some betraying of her own yet lacks any ability to recognize her own fault in what happened with both her best friend and her fiance.

In the beginning I really disliked Darcy. She was insufferable. Total self-absorption is not a likable characteristic. In fact, it is infuriating. And she's so over the top that I would call her a sociopath...almost. I'm pretty sure that was Giffin's intent. After setting the reader up with an awful heroine, you know what's coming. Darcy is going to hit upon some rough times. And then she'll be forced to examine her circumstances and her life and take some responsibility for what happened.

And that is where the story fell short. I felt that, in the end when she starts to change, it wasn't believable. I didn't fully buy it that someone who was so so so selfish could pull an actual 180.

I did, however, find her reactions to her pregnancy and motherhood believable and redemptive and touching, even. The truth is that I believe people in real life can and do change. I think that even Darcy was redeemable, but I would have liked to see a little more effort in the process. Someone as selfish as Darcy had a long way to go, and maybe she got there a little too easily for my taste.

*I'd been warned about sex and language, and I'll warn you all who read this. It might be a bit much for conservative readers. I won't read any more of her novels because of it.

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Thirteen Reasons Why

Overall, not a bad book...but not sure if I recommend it.

Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Have you ever read a book and thought, hmmm??? Did I like that? I honestly can't tell if I did or not. I'm giving it three stars because it gave me much to ponder, and that is always good. But it could have easily been a two star read or a four star read...I'm very confused!

I knew the premise of the book before I started reading, of course, but I was skeptical nonetheless. Hannah Baker, a girl who has just committed suicide (and no that is not a spoiler) sends out a set of tapes, all seven of which are to be passed on to the various people who played a role in her depression/suicide/teen angst.

Maybe I've read a little too much about teen suicide (I just read The Pact), but the minute the tapes started and I realized that this was going to be a blame game...and like I said, I just read The Pact...I was on my guard. Suicide is tragic, and it isn't something to take lightly, but I'm not so sure that I feel right about the way fingers were pointed in this book.

Really, I'm not sure if I believed that someone who had the level headed sense to talk her way through seven tapes and thirteen reasons for her suicide was really suicidal. Of course, I'm not a seventeen-year-old girl anymore, and I'm not sure that even with all my long since passed teenage angst that I ever felt as close to as hurt as Hannah quite obviously did. Still, it seems like she was completely capable of logic when it came to detailing the horrible behavior of her classmates, which would indicate to me an ability to see it for what it was. But maybe that is the adult in me, expecting someone who is still emotionally immature to understand that when other people act like jerks, it has nothing to do with me.

And then I guess I thought some of the reasons were not enough, or at least the connections between the people that she is "blaming" really mattered. Again, though, I don't know how I would have reacted to her reasons when I was a teenager. Maybe I would have totally felt her pain and thought about how awful those things were.

HOWEVER, living means that bad things will happen to you. It means that people will treat your poorly sometimes. It means that sometimes you will have to live with pain. And sometimes downright awful, horrible, terrible things will come into your life even if you did nothing to invite them in. And the other reality is this. Sometimes I have caused others pain. I hope I'm never one of the awful, horrible, terrible people, but I do know that I have done and said stupid, thoughtless, cruel things. I hope that they were never said or done on purpose.

Another awful reality: some people are going to commit suicide. Some people are going to get to a point where they are that hopeless. And it is important to think about the way that you treat others. But I guess what bothered me about this is that Hannah had to take responsibility at some point, but she didn't (at least not really, in my opinion). Instead, when Clay (the narrator here) or Mr. Porter (who apparently should "rot in hell") tried to talk through things with her, she walked away, not them. People were reaching out to her.

Okay, so a few people on this list of thirteen did some bad things, but some of those bad things weren't even done to Hannah. Rather, she seems to feel some guilt I guess for their bad behavior because she was around when it happened, and so I suppose that's why she decided in the end it was best to take her own life. I sort of felt like this was Asher's way of putting some of the blame for Hannah's suicide on her own shoulders, as if to say that Hannah wasn't entirely blaming others. I'm not sure, but I felt like in the end that all she was doing was "getting even" with some mean kids at school.

Again, I couldn't help but think about the times that I've been not so nice to people. I'm not proud of it, but would I want to get a message from beyond the grave from some poor soul who'd done this to himself, telling me that I might have played a role in his suicide? Certainly not. When someone commits suicide, it is about her depression. I don't think the people left behind should be forced to take the blame for that. The people who knew Hannah were going to feel guilty as it was; ironically, the tapes were just as cruel, in the end, as the things Hannah had done to her.

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Rearview Mirror

Light and easy...especially for listening purposes.

Rearview Mirror by Stephanie Black

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Since I've been giving LDS lit a new look, I thought I would try out an LDS author's take on the mystery-thriller genre. I was pleasantly surprised.

It wasn't all that different from any other story in the genre, really. It follows a certain formula, and that was fine. I actually think I read these books for the formula. What made me happy about it was the clean language. The crimes weren't described graphically, either. Because I love mysteries and sort of hate the language/graphic depictions of violence, I was very happy with this.

There was some cheeser stuff, a little bit related to being Mormon, but really if I'm going to be honest, all such novels have elements of cheesiness, usually related to two things: the romantic interest and the dramatic confessions of really horrible behavior, given by the villain, at the end when the conflict is being resolved. But this is sort of to be expected. How else will we all know what happened?

And it really did have me guessing, so I give Ms. Black bonus points. I would be convinced that I knew who "done it" and then she would throw something new at me, and I could not be sure. It wasn't until the final few paragraphs that I finally knew who was up to no good, and even then she threw me off a little bit. Overall, not too shabby. I'll be trying more of her books in the future.

P.S. And may I say that I really liked the reader, and she was female. Usually female readers drive me nuts, but she didn't overdo the men. Generally, my beef with the women readers? They cannot do a convincing male voice. But this reader didn't try so hard to sound masculine, so it worked for me.

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The Pact

I am now swearing off Jodi Picoult, at least until someone convinces me that she's written something that doesn't rely on shock and awe, that is.

The Pact by Jodi Picoult

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I think I'm pretty much done with Ms. Picoult. I think I want to read her because I like the way she writes, and I cannot say that her stories aren't compelling, save The Tenth Circle. I think the lure of her books is just that...that she's capable of telling a captivating story peopled with interesting characters.

However, and you knew the however was coming, she peppers her stories with too much sensationalism. And while this story didn't rise to level that it seemed she was determined to hit in The Tenth Circle, I still feel like she exercised too little restraint.

The central conflict in the story is enough: two teenagers, Chris and Emily, who may or may not have made a suicide pact. Chris and Emily have known each other since birth; they are best friends and have dated for about four years. Understandably, then, their relationship is much more than the typical teenage romance. But when the actual act goes down, only Emily is dead, and Chris has been told not to tell his story, the story of what actually happened that night, now that he's being prosecuted for her murder.

Pretty sensational, am I right?

But then Picoult goes ahead and adds insult to injury. There's the hint of a possible infidelity between two of the grieving parents, a murderously enraged mother mourning for her daughter and bent on revenge, prison conflicts caused by a homicidal inmate, a sister feeling the neglect caused by her brother's incarceration...none of which is developed enough. I would prefer to see more of Kate, for example, Chris's younger sister, and her pain and struggles as she watches her family go to pieces, rather than the possibility of infidelity or the fights in prison. I realized that Picoult wanted to give a fuller picture of all the things that might result from the suicide, including the strain it might cause on a marriage or they way that prison would scar an eighteen-year-old boy. By attempting to include it all, Picoult lost some of the depth that I think is necessary if you are going to tell a story as emotionally charged as this. That or the story needed to be slightly longer. You might think that is crazy since it is pretty long as it is, but I think Picoult is good enough that she could have explored the minor conflicts more. That and she could have left out the sex and focused on the people.

The other problem stems from this: Chris is the only fully fleshed out character. Emily comes close, but there wasn't enough for me to fully sympathize with her state of mind when she decides that she wants to take her life. Picoult comes close to getting me inside her mind. But it wasn't enough for me to say that I completely bought into her actions the night of her death. I will say that I fully sided with Chris at the end, and I DO think that was the point Picoult wanted to make. In any case, when the story was over, I found myself wishing I knew so much more about all of the main characters, the parents, Kate, Jordan (Chris's lawyer).

And then again, here she goes with the gimmicky ending, which is a spoiler so I won't tell you what happens. The problem with this "surprise gotcha" ending is that it wasn't really a surprise at all. I'm not sure if that was what Picoult had in mind because it fell so flat. Was she trying to shock the reader? I don't know. It wasn't shocking.

There was one thing, however, that I do think Picoult does well here. She paints a very ugly picture of what happens after someone commits suicide. I would never condemn someone for committing suicide. Depression and mental diseases are real, and I cannot judge someone who may make a poor choice in a moment of total despair. BUT what comes after is ugly and painful. These families were pulled apart because of what Emily chose to do, and while I've always been aware that suicide is harmful to those left behind, I never really gave the aftermath much thought. Emily hurt Chris, of course, and her parents, obviously. But she pulled those two families apart at the seams. She destroyed their trust in each other and their friendships. She put Chris's future in jeopardy. She put marriages in question. And this thread of the story is what, ironically enough, redeemed it for me. So that, and Picoult's writing ability, were enough to give it three stars. Otherwise, I would have given it two.

In the end would I recommend it? I really don't know. I'm just not sure that the good outweighs the bad. I would like to see if Picoult can tell a story without the surprise/shock ending.

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The Summons

One more Grisham and that is it, I swear, for the entire year! No more Grisham for a looooooong time!

The Summons by John Grisham

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

It seems like lately I've been on these benders. So I pick an author, you see, and then I'm sort of stuck on that author for a while (i.e., the Stephanie Plum series, the Spellman series, Jodi Picolt, Kate Morton, John Grisham...obviously...and I could go on...). I'm not sure why. Perhaps it is an obsessive compulsive disorder where I feel I must read everything an author has written if I happen to like anything else by that particular author. Sort of like my OCD about reading series books in ORDER...which I haven't been doing with the Stephanie Plum series and it has sort of annoyed me. Have you ever noticed how much I can ramble? I know it. It's an issue.

But anyway, focusing now, I may need a break from Grisham for a while. This wasn't his best work, in my opinion.

It isn't that I didn't like the story, per se. It was an interesting premise. Two brothers come back home (one the wayward black sheep of the family, the other your typical saintly child) because their father is dying. But it turns out, when they get there, he's already dead. The "good" brother, Ray, has found something interesting in the house, however, and maybe he's not such a goody-goody after all. You'll have to read it if you want to know more.

The premise, then, was exciting enough, but the execution was slow. Too slow. Not enough action. I have said in previous reviews of Grisham's novels that I appreciate that he branches out. Not everything has to go as fast as books like The Runaway Jury (and man I've read far too many of this dude's novels, by the way). But still, I'd like to see a Runaway Jury again. Please Mr. Grisham, pretty please?!?!?

Oh, and by the way, so when did Grisham become Faulkner, anyway? He's creating this little Southern entourage in his novels, and characters keep reappearing in various books. Like Harry Rex. Grisham included him in A Time to Kill, I believe, and now he's shown up in this and The Last Juror...and maybe elsewhere. And like Patton French from King of Torts. I actually really like it/find it endearing and clever. I guess he is a Southern writer, after all.

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The Last Juror

John Grisham...back to his roots and at his finest.

The Last Juror by John Grisham

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I'm going to get on my soap box for a moment here. And this little soap box really isn't about the story. Consider yourself warned. When one listens to an audio book, the reader really makes ALL the difference. Last year I listened to Juliet by Anne Fortier. I was a bit harsh in my review of certain aspects of the story, and I think a very big part of the harshness was related to the reader and the way she voiced the twin sister of the heroine. It grated on my nerves so so so much. Had I known it would bother me so much, I would have opted to read the book instead of listen to it.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is Jim Dale, the voice of the audio series for Harry Potter, who, in my opinion, is brilliant almost always (once in a while his Hermione is a bit much, but there are soooo many characters he must read with so many different accents and he does the voices so well). After having read that series more than once, I didn't think I would love listening to them the way that I did, but oh they were so good just because having Jim Dale tell me a story was perfect.

Very few readers match up to Mr. Dale's talents, but Michael Beck might come close. All that to say that I loved listening to him tell me this story. I've grown fond of listening to books while completing chores, and this was a great book to listen to.

Enough of that, however, and on to the review.

I wouldn't call The Last Juror a "thriller" in the traditional sense of the word, at least as it applies to Grisham and stories like A Time to Kill or The Firm. In fact, the main character isn't even a lawyer. Instead, he is a news man who owns the small town weekly newspaper in Ford County, Mississippi. Willie Traynor is an unlikely hero, but even with his Southern upbringing in a struggling post-segregation South, he is able to draw his weekly readers into a completely new type of newspaper than the one they are used to.

The novel has two plots, really: the story of a unique black family, the Ruffins, who adopt Willie as one of their own and the contrasting story of Danny Padgitt and the entire Padgitt clan who are all up to no good. Much of Mr. Traynor's paper is dedicated to the tales of both families, and I really like the way that the plot of the novel focuses on both threads through Traynor's news gathering.

This book is, in many ways, classically Grisham, even if it doesn't have the fast paced thrills of The Pelican Brief. I think that's because he's gone back to the South here. Grisham is a regional writer; it's one of his many strengths, and so generally I've really enjoyed those of his novels set in the South because he knows the people, the culture, the dialect. I always walk away feeling like I've somehow been in Mississippi or Alabama or Louisiana after I read one of his books.

That is why I especially liked this...because it reminded me of why I read Grisham so voraciously in the early days of his career. I appreciate that he has branched out, but it's always good to see an author come back home.

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